Omega

I have no tribes to belong to. No poly-social network of like minded people who enjoy the company of each other. It's restrictive. I am limited to the sometime go arounds of the small number of kin who still recognize me as a member of their pack. It's a futile effort to have to constantly remind them that I am somewhere at the back of the line. Struggling to find my own place, without a lifetime of countless and meaningful interactions. I wish that I knew men the way that I want to know men. Even without the expectation of closeness or intimacy, I wish that I had those storybook friendships with men who consider me equal. I deteriorate as I age and I find that my commonalities with other men fade as time takes those of my own age away and those who are younger than me are swayed with different life choices. In some ways I wish that time had taken me when I was younger. So that I would not have to endure the countless days of exasperation brought on by simply trying to be kind. I find common ground. I believe that others are who they are. I expect too much and express my desire to not expect myself in others no matter how much I continue to expect it. All I want is clear communication. I want to know that the message in my head that is coming from the ones I love or care about is one of true kindness. It's frustrating having a cynical mind. All I want to do is feel better. I don't know how to be better. My tongue is always wagging on about shit that makes no sense. My attitude is one of laissez faire, because I could care less what course life and time and nature have for me. And I am constantly listening. Listening for cracks in the foundation. Listening for hushed words and double talk. Listening for misinterpreted words and actions that paint me out to be nothing more than a deceptive, manipulating, lying, scheming, pathetic excuse of a man. I listen for the siren call that tells me that this is the end of a good thing, because that is what I have always done in life. LISTEN. If anything was worth repeating, surely I would have a tribe of my own.