Daydream Believer

 I don't understand why I am attracted to men who are not available to me. Especially men who live out of state. It gives new meaning to "emotionally distant". And it isn't all their fault. I develop these emotional crushes when small amounts of attention are thrown my way. Sometimes it can be a word that is said to me or an action that someone performs that gives way to "what if" scenarios. They are dreadful and sappy and altogether unrealistic. In my head I have already played so much of what I wish life would be like, instead of understanding the reality of my social interactions. "Hello" doesn't ever mean "hello handsome/baby/man of my life". All of the time it means "hello", nothing more, nothing less. Which is why it is hard to had a crush as well. Every desire is playing out in my head like every love sapped, married and in love, this is how my queer story should be told event. I feel a residual attachment almost as if I still have a sticky epoxy that doesn't quite adhere to anything anymore. Again, it's not my crushes fault. I've found them interesting for completely unknown reasons. 

Take this one guy I know, for instance. We went camping a few years ago with mutual friends and on that trip I kind of caught a thing for him. He didn't do anything outright that gave me any inkling that he had any interest in me. I think it was in the nighttime, when the moon reflected off his blonde hair, and it gave it this shimmering blue haze, that set me off. I thought "isn't he beautiful in this light" and I just kind of keep picturing him like that. I also picture him a million different ways from our limited number of interactions. He's the kind of man that is not at all good for me and I think that we have a variety of differences that would spoil any kind of relationship. The man has the worst guttural flatulence that I have ever heard from a man. And still, through all his faults all I can think about is how beautiful he looked under the moonlight. His smile could lighten up any room.

While I am on smiles, this other man I know has an amazing smile! Sometimes when he looks at me I feel like I could melt into the earth. He's such a warm and loving man. So much about him makes me want to be a better person so that I can meet him on his level. Every day I feel like he is the kind of man that I could settle down with if I was remotely worthy of him. But we have this weird chemistry. We can talk to one another, but we prefer our own space. Sometimes I get a vibe from him that says "not too quick, this isn't going to go where you want it" and I feel lost for words. When I decided to move he told me how much he was going to miss me. And it wrecked me for a while because being able to have that effect on him...being available as often as I was, made it feel like there was some kind of ending to the pattern we have been used to for the last couple of years. He's not mine. I am not his. I think that if I tell myself that I am not the one too much then I won't fall apart when I don't see him or talk to him as much. He's probably the most attentive man I have ever met in my entire life. 

Still...it's the distances. These miles and miles of open road. Spaces and spaces of disconnect that keep me floating and hoping that someday I might get what it is that I want. Wishing, and hoping, and dreaming, and planning....