"Mirror, mirror on the wall..."

I have to learn to not expect myself in others. It is one of the hardest pills that I have had to swallow as I get older. I am not sure how it all plays out as I try to accept that my ego doesn't always need to control the narrative. I want too much from people who are not able to give me as much as I'd like. In honesty, I think that I try to give myself to others as much as I can, but I am not giving as much as I think I am. Sometimes the idea of showing up is as good as giving whatever energy is needed for the moment. I have a toxic high that I chase from time to time when I want to do good things and show people how much I care. If I set a deadline or meet a challenge, I feel deflated afterwards. In the moment, sometimes, I am absorbing little mentions of praise and adulation for doing the simplest of things. My ego can't stop. It almost feels like I have to make sure that people focus on the "man, you did a great thing" even though the rational side of my brain is sitting back and saying "sit down, this isn't your moment". However, it's the expectation or need for the same kind of attention that seldom gets passed back on me when I need it.

Do I need to be vocal about my needs, is that all part of overcoming that sense of ego. I do things because it is nice to do things without expectation of return. Even as I type this, my mind floods with "why doesn't anyone take me into consideration" and I shouldn't be concerned with that blip. I shouldn't care about what my ego wants and just do the things that I do without expectation. Or maybe I should live for me, stop expecting me from others, and do my own thing. It's a catch twenty-two...memories and good times feel like they are for show. A chance to reflect and think "didn't he do an incredible thing". It's interesting what we put ourselves through in order to feel like we matter. Eventually we are all forgotten.