"pero ay como me duele..."

 There are times when I have a good thought and there are times when I have a not so good thought. Most of the time, both thoughts collide and I am stuck with a void of intersecting thoughts that just aren't really sure what to do and I prop myself up in my little hobble hole of a man cave wondering what to do, what to write, what to create, what to think, what the hell that smell is lingering in my apartment, and what the hell I am supposed to be doing with my adult life???

Who in the hell am I?

maybe you could love me better (tomorrow)

There could be a thousand diamonds shining deep within your eyes

And your smile could fill a room with radiant light

But to see me reflected in you just isn't in the cards I guess 

Even in a metaphor

It would take more words than less

And yet I'd give my all to push myself into your view 

A narrow window, reflective surface, a subtle hue

For a small opportunity 

And a little chance to be

Whatever it is that I think whatever fucked up bullshit fancy made up love should be

If you could just breathe me in

Feel my heart

Take on my rhythm, and the warmth of my skin

If you would know me

Would you know me by now

How I've survived for so long wondering how long I've wondered how long to until now

That you don't know why

I still give a damn

I still wait in vain

Though you've moved on, it's true

I've been left in my pain

Regretting the night my eyes met your

Wishing my lips never spoke your name

Holding back the tears I refuse to cry anymore

Refusing to play in the game

Someday an old man I'll be

And already an old man am i

The boy that I was, his heart could never be cured

Wounded by a man who made fireworks bloom in the night sky.

The Narrator

I keep waiting for him to do something

to break free of something

to give me something from nothing

to let me live more than this something

the humming

he's begging

he's coming

I hear him 

He won't let me be more than in my head 

I can scream 

But he silences me in an instant

I am weak and I am stupid

Hear his voice like a child

I'm his servant

I keep waiting for him to be strong

But he won't let me be who I want

When I want him to be 

What I want him to be

Cause his words aren't backed by actions

They're performance

For getting things out of my head

And he talks mad shit

When I'm all alone

The production

Like a cyclone throwing emotions in a soulless trap

Hear me begging

Hear me pleading

Hear me calling 

Still I'm not pretending to be on the corner selling my heart out

For your audience

For your adoration

Your attention

Little scraps or pieces of what love's 'sposed to feel like

Holding hands out knowing separation's familiarity

Hear him calling in the back of my head

Hear him saying things like I don't know what they've said they've said

Bolstering ego like a maniacal twit

Fucking prick faggot dick

He's been talking to me since I was a kid

And he's there

In the back of my mind

Kicking the shit out of me

Keeping me in line

Daring me to do the things I dare not do

Pushing me to keep up

Willing me to be

I'm not sure if he's keeping me alive out of pity or defiance

But he's there in the morning

And he's there in the night

The one true constant

This thing that talks to me 

when I don't want to hear anything at all.

pantomime

i used to think i had a love language

no matter how i mirrored

turns out

the love i gave

never reciprocate

and i'd do it,

i'd do it,

to get through it,

yeah, i'd do it

and i'd do it,

i'd do it

to hold someone,

to feel something

to get through it,

to get through it

yeah, i'd do it,

i'd do it

say, screw it be whatever they wanted me to be

and i'd do it,

i'd do it

to get through it,

yeah, i'd do it

if only to prove

in the end it meant nothing at all

i used to think that being seen was more than enough than being here

despite blurring fields of vision

distorting realities

and bond through commonalities

i was a rearview image

and i'd do it,

i'd do it,

to get through it,

yeah, i'd do it

and i'd do it,

i'd do it

to hold someone,

to feel something

to get through it,

to get through it

yeah, i'd do it,

i'd do it

say, screw it be whatever they wanted me to be

and i'd do it,

i'd do it

to get through it,

yeah, i'd do it

if only to prove

in the end it meant nothing at all

time has taught me to be better

taught me boundaries make me stronger

patience has taught me to be kinder to myself

and to forget who that pretender used to be

i still remember what it feels like to want to be validated

but i don't rush after it like a junky seeking a fix

if i am seen it's on my own terms, no longer strongarmed

i've still got a few years to go

and i'd do it,

i'd do it,

to get through it,

yeah, i'd do it

and i'd do it,

i'd do it

to feel something,

yeah, i'm something,

to get through it,

to get through it

yeah, i'd do it,

i'd do it

I Miss the Comfort In Being Sad

"I listen to you the most when I shouldn't. every day you are the first and last voice in my head. the only one I can't escape and the only one I can't un-hear."

"fuck you. for forgetting to take your medication. fuck you. for falling asleep and allowing the night to steal the last bits of breath bequeathed to me in a late night kiss. fuck you. for a cold morning embrace and a shock so numbing that will haven't quite completely recovered from. fuck you"

"There came a time when I realized that playing defense was a losing game when you were consistently on the offense. to know you meant having to understand how you cycled through people. I just didn't understand how it took you so long to get through me?"

"the bed is warmest with you in the crook of my chest. right here under the covers in my embrace. this is where I like to find you in my mornings when I recover from the night before. this is where I like to find you, in the night before I give away to dream. these are the moments that time robs in sleep and death and responsibility. give me serendipity. give me your peace"

"falling in love was such an inappropriate mess that I couldn't bathe the filth from my skin. I rolled around in it like a swine in rot, suckling at drunken teets fantasizing about foolish notions of happily ever after. I shot it in my veins just as quickly like black tar heroine and overdosed on her feckless delusions. mostly, I believed you were true, because you said I love you. then just love you. then love ya. so casually."

"the weight in the air. the heaviness in my feet. the slowness of my pulse. the closeness to death. you are my shadow. you are my guilt. I'm at peace without your memory."

"it took a moment to realize. but then my journal entries changed. my walks and scenery routes shifted. the music on my playlists regressed back to my standby crew. and every voice that the medicine is supposed to drown out echoes like a million screams. there you are, like a lyric in a song, "my old friend". and I know you."

"your mail finally started forwarding. everything we changed back to everything me. the progression was instant for something that took years to build."

ghost

Sit silently

You're just a man

Think quietly

Don't make demands

Breathe violently

But keep patient hands

Sit silently

No one understands

Entr’acte unknown

Marquee lights out

Spectre haunting

Familiars, faintings, findings

Fidgeting through darkness

Gonna be another solo act again

Sit silently

You're just a man

Think quietly

Don't make demands

Breathe violently

But keep patient hands

Sit silently

No one understands

Second act, the bottle brushes

Pills and bruises stain the fingers

Smiles he caricatures

Pretend, pretentious, precocious

Pontificating piece of shit

Sit silently

You're just a man

Think quietly

Don't make demands

Breathe violently

But keep patient hands

Sit silently

No one understands

Here was I to be seen

Here was I to be seen

Here was I to be seen

Imagine

Your ghost

Sit silently

You're just a man

Think quietly

Don't make demands

Breathe violently

Sit silently

No one understands

Oxytocin

 Jason had been spending more nights and weekends at Chris's apartment since the holidays. After meeting his family at Thanksgiving, Chris kinda got the feeling why Jason enjoyed the difference of energy. Honestly, he didn't mind being the getaway. As he lay there in bed listening to Jason singing aloud from the accompanying en suite 

"Oh L'amour, broke my heart, now I'm aching for you!" Jason's baritone vibrato echoed as he rejoiced in singing one of his favorite Erasure songs playing from the radio from the bedroom. Chris remained propped under sheets, naked and covered in sweat and musk from their morning play, still reveling in the eroticism of being folded like a pretzel and dominated  by Jason, smiled, taking in how enticing the moment was building inside of him.

"Hey slick," Jason called out "you gonna get in the shower with me? We got stuff to do today, remember?"

Try as he might, Chris was not going to be able to sleep in the way he had imagined. He had promised to drive with Jason to the Grand Canyon, and that was what was on the agenda. Chris was learning that Jason was a stickler for punctuality and schedules.

The bathroom door, slightly opened, revealed the toned body of the muscled god that had just occupied the bed they shared all night. Squinting from the light, Chris could make out Jason flexing and running his hands over that space on his stomach he referred to as his "monker" that he thought was flabby.

Chris thought to himself "must be hard to be so beautiful" and chuckled.

Jason made his way out to the bedroom and to the side of the bed. Fingers grazing the side of Chris's face.

"Hey slick, you gonna stay in bed all day?" He tone sounding mocking but stern "let's get this show on the road."

Jason threw the sheet off Chris and grabbed at his feet playfully until he moved into a seated position at Jason's midsection.

"Well hello again!" Chris smiled coyly!

"Easy there slick!" Jason teased "We got all weekend for that."

Chris stood up, playfully bouncing his ass to the sounds of LL Cool J's "Who Do You Love" as the disc on the cd player changed to set the mood for another playful exchange.  Both men walked to the en suite to shower and get ready for their day.