Wanting, Needing, Waiting....

 I used to fuck around with this guy many years ago after my last ltr ended. We met on a bear cruising site and I invited him over to my apartment one morning to fuck the living hell out of me. When he showed up, I was instantly attracted to him. He had the right mannerisms, his voice was the exact pitch I imagined it would be in my head, and his dick was big and beautiful, just the way I liked them. The problem we had, or rather, he had, was he had a boyfriend. At the time, that didn't bother me, because I was on a "fuck all men (figuratively" bender and I didn't care what someone else did with their man. I had just come out of a relationship where my ex was fucking around on me. Who was I to care what someone else did, as long as it didn't involve me at the end of the day. He gave me what I wanted, as long as I didn't ask for anything more in return.

I wasn't looking for a husband or a boyfriend, especially since I was nursing very open wounds from the 6 year relationship that had just ended, so I was content with having him as a fuck buddy. Sexually we were compatible and he fucked me really good. A few months after meeting him, his relationship ended and he told me that he was moving to Fresno. I wasn't quite sure how that information made me feel, but I was confused that he found no additional interest in me (other than sex) when his relationship ended. Not that I wanted him to set up house with me right away, but I never even registered in his mind as an option. Good to fuck, but not good to relate to. Whatever the case was at the time, I was okay with adding him to social media and hookup apps in order to keep up with him and see how his life was going. 

We kept in touch from time to time. He eventually made his move from Fresno to some state in the south to start a new life. I remember checking in on him and seeing that he was starting a new relationship. The man who won his heart was "quite the looker" and it made me wonder why this man, the one I fucked around with, managed to find a dump truck to hitch his saddle to when we had been keeping up with one another as long as we had. For the most part, I didn't care. I mean I let my ego run around in circles wondering why someone I fucked with, who I thought I vibed with, would pick suck an ugly mate. It had to be money. It had to be something other than looks that kept him attached to this other man, because we all know that some relationships are more transactional than others. I am sure if I had the money to buy my love, then I would be married by now. 

Alas, that is my ego talking again.

I digress. Over the years, from one social media platform to another, I noticed that we just fell out of touch with one another. I never really let it bother me, because bullocks for him. He is happy and I don't give to shits about his life. Sometime in 2020, when COVID19 caused us all to panic, I got a "friendly" message from this guy that I had fucked around with, who moved from state to state to find love, then ended up with man with a face that only a mother could love, a man that I hadn't thought of or who hadn't kept up with me in just as long, his message read "hey there, how have you been?" I couldn't help myself. Because I am spiteful, I couldn't help myself. Because, god damn it, why should I be cordial or pretend to be happy for or patronize, someone who only really thought of me in passing. He had long since removed himself from my Facebook friends list, so I was genuinely curious why he messaged me. Because I am petty. I replied "I'm good, thanks!", sent the message, then deleted his outreach. Because I don't have time for that kind of fuckery anymore.

The worst part about it, I have many stories like this one. Instances where I would meet someone, feel like I am building a bond with someone, then get raked over the coals for wanting to initiate more. It sometimes feels like a series of these unfortunate mishaps occurred in order to teach me a valuable lesson about my worth or something stupid like that. What it did mostly, was  piss me off and give me more reason to build up my walls from guys like him. The kind of guys who never saw me as an option, but didn't mind fucking around with me because I was available. Nothing justifies disposing someone's feelings for meaningless casual connections more than being made to feel like "your" just not good enough, so why do men frequently behave like this? I will never know. Maybe I behave like this sometimes. It's sad, but I don't think that I have ever had the desire to use someone for sex. Unfortunately, I could never quite disassociate the need to separate sex from connection. So I fuck around and I have sex with men who lie to me while I am lying to them. Fuck around and find out, right. 

I casually checked out this dude's Facebook profile. Turns out, he is not aging well. I mean, sure, I would still fuck with him, if he was single and not a total douchebag. BUt my attraction to him is not like it was 10-15 years ago. He doesn't look dashing and sexy as hell. He looks lived in and comfortable and bloated. If younger me was ever worried that I made terrible choices back then, older me is glad that I never pursued those things. Disposable, fuckable, unfuckable, whatever the case may be, at least I never treated anyone with the same distain that they afforded me. Fuck'em!