Never Enough

I used to think that if I had more, then more people would want to be around me. I know most of my own red flags and my short comings. Most of my behaviors center around want and need; I want to be seen and I need to be wanted. Which isn't altogether terrible, but most would say that I should love and live my life simply by loving myself. I have tried and tried to look at myself in a way that is kind, but I am brutal when it comes to that voice in my head. He and I have grown up together and he usually gets his way when it comes to all of the things that I strive to change in order to better myself. He is greedy. He is impatient. He is childish when it comes to making sound decisions and following through with hard tasks. He has grown with me, but he hasn't bettered himself so that he stops driving me insane. 

Self introspection can take time to process. Especially when there are outside influences that are always making themselves known. I am an atheist above all things, but sometimes I feel like there are invisible entities out there that are hellbent on taking any time that I have any creative thoughts, or otherwise, and turning them into opportunities for disruption. I am obsessed with getting a thought out. When the moment appears and I have clarity, that is the moment that chaos ensues. I start to get notifications on my phone. My email lights up. My work phone starts ringing or someone shows up at my office, needing my attention. It is like a landslide of nuances, all timed at just the right moment, that compile themselves in a cluster to frustrate and distract me. When everything returns back to silence, when there is nothing clouding my brain, then I lose whatever inspiration that hits me. 

And then I am back to square one. One point for the invisible entities, negative 1 million for me. I mean, you would think that I would have learned to use my spare time in order to get out what it is that I need to get out, but inspiration rarely hits me when I am ready to go to sleep. Thankfully my online presence has been minimal lately and I have foregone the desire to masturbate obsessively. All I really want to do during the day is sleep. Or chase a chill vibe with some edibles and a bottle of wine. Red flag number whatever, I have rediscovered how much I like feeling stoned with a bit of a alcohol buzz. I am not sure if my brain or my liver can handle either, but, for what it is worth, I have very little joy and excitement going on in my life at the moment.

This is the little voice inside of my head telling me that this is "okay".

I am reminded, no man is an island. I am no island. I have no patience for my heart and my brain, because both keep letting me down. For now I will have to be content with the space I have and the time I am given, regardless of how quickly it passes by. Thankfully, no one will be shooting my ashes into space. I'm much more content being spread amongst the roots of a giant redwood tree. At least there will be peace there.