Artificial Sweetener

A thought occurred to me recently when I evaluated how others perceive me. I overshare a lot of things about me to people that could care less. In my mind, in new situations, I am super reserved and hold on to many things, because part of me knows how to keep myself in check. I am quiet, unless I am involved in an exchange. I am shy, unless I have had a few drinks in me. But I am also that guy that waits for something to be initiated before I make a move. It spills over into everything in my life. I go through the world, with other background people, wondering how I will be remembered. 

I don't know if I am kind or just tolerant. There are people that I will bend over backwards for, but others that I wouldn't acknowledge if the world was ending. My relationships with others have never really depended on a fair balance of give and take, as long as the relationships weren't toxic. I find that the more that I examine who I interact with, and what I am doing from day to day, the less that I am convinced that I am just going through the motions of being around.

Whenever someone describes me as a man to someone else, I am immediately stumped. My body may show the ravages of years gone by, but in my head I still feel like an obnoxious high schooler. It makes me feel like I have missed some kind of evolving level of adulthood when I am seen as the adult in the room. I am constantly questioning if my intentions with anyone are true or if they are subject to the terms of barter. I don't know many people who would describe me as someone who is caring, sweet, or kind. It bugs me a little to know that the way others see me might be as some bland and ordinary man who didn't try enough. If I worked harder, if I entertained more, if I laughed louder at jokes, if I volunteered more, or if I loved more, would I be seen as a compassionate man or someone who tried to hard?