I'd Like to Solve the Puzzle, Pat!

Sometimes I need a part inside of me to jump in and take control in order for me to get through the day. I've been feeling something melancholy lately. When this happens, it triggers a part of me that wants to sit around and mope and be depressed about all of the things in life that are occurring. It takes simple things, like hanging out with a loved one, and then going back to reality, and turns them into an overwhelming sack of emotional shit and turmoil, and all I can do is regress and give in to it, or fight like a bitch and compartmentalize my feelings again. There is no in between and there is no one that is going to hold my hand as I get through it. So I have to reach down deep inside and tell my self "you can't wallow" because if I do, then I can't help myself. It makes me feel like a mutant. I have no one to reach out to and say "I want to unload all of this excess shit, because I don't know how to handle it" and hope for the best. I have survived this long, telling myself that numb is better than feeling. Numb only works for a short amount of time though. Numb only works when I tell myself that I have to pick myself up by the bootstraps, dust myself off again, and try to be better. Numb eventually wears off and it leaves me with the feeling that I want to throw up. My anxiety picks up where numb vacates. 

I mean, what are my problems anyway right? I have opened myself up to a handful of gay dating sites and I am partially in belief that one or more could actually be real. In actuality, all are delusions. They are fantasy and meager offerings for actual human contact. I can consume images of flesh without the cost of actually meeting someone for a 30 minute conversation. I spent a day fervently doom scrolling through each app, picking the profiles that I thought would most suit me. Each time, hoping that the person on the other end would see my "interest" and scope me out in return. My problem is that I am not the first person to say hello. So if I never see a response or interest, I take it as a sign that I am not wanted.