The One

Normally I am befuddled. There isn't a day that goes by that my mind is a clusterfuck of what the hells and who the fuck cares ideas. Most of the time I am sitting in a stew of self pity wondering where I made a wrong turn in life. I wonder why in life there are so many hurdles and road blocks and try to anticipate as much as I can to control the things in life that are un-friggin-controllable. It's the way that I get by. It is the way I have always gotten by.  One day at a time. There aren't very many opportunities when I have enormous amounts of clarity to see myself in a different light and understand that there are actions that I might have to take in order to elevate myself to a higher plane of thinking. 

I am troubled by men. I am frustrated with friends and family. I am on high alert all of the time because I am overweight, breathing heavily, constantly having to go to the bathroom, and one health scare away from over-reacting and causing myself another panic attack. I live in a constant state of fear. I don't know why I am always afraid. My attitude has always been "come what may" and as I have gotten older it has morphed into "it is what it is". It's as if there is no more meaning to the things that had little meaning to me to begin with. When age progresses, when friends and family have moved on with their lives, when lovers lose interest or pass away, when the things that brought me the most joy (like sex) seem insignificant and boring, where has all the meaning gone. I still get a twinge and feel flush when I contemplate my own mortality. The idea of dying abruptly is terrifying. 

I've just stopped living.

Anecdotally I can document all the things that float through my little head as if they are adventures that I have had. In actuality, it's nothing more than fodder for the pages. I am living through my journals as a way to understand my train of thought or get out the pollutants in my brain, but if one total stranger were to piece all the pages together and try to understand my story, they may conclude that I am a boring and uninteresting person. What things have I seen that mere mortals can sit and wonder in awe at their majestic marvel. I have a pretty large collection of movies on blue ray and DVD. How common and boring.

The costumes I wear daily are puppets for the show. I want to be the performer and the jokester and the lover and the fighter, but most of all, I want to be remembered. And it is hard to make a mark when you can barely reach an audience. Once upon a time I thought I had the ears and eyes of a number of folks who may have been genuinely interested in what I have/had to say. Telling stories and watching people light up with amusement as I went on and on about everything and nothing always felt like I was floating on a cloud. There was no debasement. No ridicule. What I did, and how I did it, was all mine to own without embarrassment or regrets. But then people stopped engaging. The narrative changed. I became obsolete. And the story of who I am or the stories I like to tell, somehow didn't seem as entertaining anymore. 

And it is not for a lack of trying. I think that as I have aged, I am less likely to take risks that put me in the center of complicated issues. Men and women my own age are less and less agreeable. Finding common ground with anyone who is more than a decade younger than I am is virtually impossible. I try to connect. I try to blend in. I dunno....I am just another blip in the heartbeat and not that important. Most people will say this to any random stranger "you are not special".

And if I am not special, what the fuck does it matter?

Why do I try to impress people who are only impressed with/by superficial nonsense?

If I tried harder, I would only be trying harder. Quite frankly, the only audience I am starting to entertain is myself. It's a hard pill to swallow, but necessary in order for me to keep that momentum going that keeps me less befuddled and more alive. All I need to do is disconnect from the machine that hurts my heart and the nonsense that complicates every struggle that I have with trying to flag down anyone interested in the things that I do. I want to read more. I want to take pictures of things that I don't always share with others. I want to taste food from crappy diners in the middle of no where and say that I have been there without having to recap the whole story. I want to uncomplicate things to the point of cutting myself off from the addictions that I force myself to adhere to in modern life.

Eventually.