You don't have to call me darlin', darlin!

A change of pace is good from time to time. I have a hundred different cycles of change that occur throughout the year. Most of the time the change is needed in order for me to regroup and figure myself out. It can be daunting to try to sort myself out. It doesn't help that external forces seek to congest the process. Still, I manage to get through my shit without an extreme amount of difficulty. I examine my funk. I evaluate alternatives. Eventually I find myself back to the path that I was initially on with a different understanding of who I am or what I want. Sometimes those things change. This is where I get fucked up.

I always have an itch to scratch.

Men are complex, except when it comes to basic desires. Most of us just really want to get off, then relax without having to deal with all of that other bullshit that comes with emotions and love. I mean, it is basically a pop it and lock it moment. Thanks to the internet, and now smartphones, we have the ability to conjure up any scenario to accommodate the nasty thoughts in our heads. It's quick and easy and it doesn't have to involve the exchange of feelings on a deep, emotional level. Sex for sex sake, rather than something meaningful.

I have had plenty of meaningless exchanges over the years. To be honest, I started working in a bathhouse in my early 20's just so I could be closer to men and sex and nudity. I was the one they saw coming into the complex. I was the one they saw when they left the complex. From my little office window I could cruise the environment and if I wanted, I could participate in any number of sinful behaviors. It was fun for a while, but the drugs that came through that complex consumed me and overshadowed my need for sex.

I was able to overcome my chemical addictions after a few years. I'd find myself in lust with a guy or two from my isolated neighborhood in the far east valley. Sometimes I would make an honest connection with a man who genuinely liked hanging around with me. Sometimes I would have an interaction with someone out of pity and it would turn out that we were both cruel to one another. It all balanced out. Most of the time the sex that I had was just something to do in order to pass the time.

These days I feel like I am trying to keep up with younger guys. Sex is okay, but I am mostly tired when I am approached by someone who is seeking a good time. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy sex very much! I wish that I could have it more often than I am having it. There are no real limits when it comes to wanting sex right at the moment. I am just not into keeping up with appearances in order to get my rocks off. And I am not getting any younger so the prospect of attracting someone who finds me youthful is dwindling day by day. It's not like I have lost my youth. Eventually though, it is going to show through how old I am even if I am not trying to hide it.

There are instances where I feel like a total nut. I have regular buddies that I hook up with from time to time. One in particular is incredibly beautiful, but incredibly pushy. Recently he has taken to telling me about how he thinks of me often and fantasizes about being together with me. But it is just sex and it isn't anything more than that. I roll my eyes whenever he messages me and says "hey beautiful", because I know what his end game is. And I know that whenever we get together, our interaction will take anywhere between 15-30 minutes. I know I don't have to invest so much time into him or our interaction because there is no real communication or expectation. He comes, he grunts and kisses, he gets aggressive and masculine, he gets off. Then he puts his clothes back on, while he is trying to make small talk with me, and then he is on his way. And months go by again when I don't hear from him. This cycle has been going on for at least 5 years now.

It's not like I don't like him. We have a fun time when we hook up, even if the good time is a little one-sided. I like his projected masculinity and I like feeling him on me. Sexually though, I don't really think we have much chemistry. I think it's because we have some disconnect that prevents us from actually enjoying the moment together. I am focused on him getting off and leaving. I think he is focused on the same thing. Some guys use magazines to get off. I think that this guy uses me to get off. And while I am totally not concerned with it so much, I am starting to feel it. I am feeling all kinds of things and it is hard to tell him that I feel used. I have let myself be used like this for years, because I crave the attention.

If I factor in his age and his status in life, then there are other complications. After my 43rd birthday I thought about how much I would be able to maintain sexual relations with men under 30. I need finessing and preparation when it comes to having sex.  I like when a man looks at me sexually and thinks "i'd like to have some of that", but I stop feeling like a person and start feeling like a piece of meat. It is all my fault too. I put the bait out there and invite hooligans to partake of our combined lust in order to get off. It's viscous, but I know what sells and I know how to sell it. But I am getting older. How can I sell a Chevy Bel Air to someone who is shopping for a Mini-Cooper? New is new. New is fresh. New doesn't have sagging man boobs. New doesn't have a fat cellulite booty. New doesn't run out of breath in the heat of the moment. New doesn't need a pill to keep IT up. Old is not new.

I hold my own though. I have gotten passed the "I will wait for someone to call me" to "I wonder what he is up to" phase in my life. If I want something, I will get it one way or another. Sometimes it seems so desperate though. I feel like I can put myself out there and look for some action day after day and not have any results. In the final hours of a day, then someone hits me up and I am really tired from looking all day/week long. At that point I just want to be left alone. I have already done my business. It takes less time to take care of myself than it does to search for another social indiscretion with someone I hardly know.

Here is where my biggest problem lies....knowing someone. I have made the mistake of using sex to get friendship. I know that making friends in this way should really be discouraged. When it comes to my other interests, I just don't feel like I have much to offer. I know how to cook. I know how to sing. I like movies, books, and art. I love so many things that would be amazing to share with a new friend (or friends) but the last thing many adults want to do is compromise on is making a new friend. I haven't talked to a lot of new people over the years, but I have come to the assumption that many people don't like karaoke unless it involves famous people in cars, videotaped and posted to social media.

Cooking channels have spoiled cooking with friends. Everyone now knows how to make a sublime dish, but no one really knows how to cook. It's like watching several episodes of Hell's Kitchen has given novices a license to be something that they are not. And it works for some people, but not everyone. I am always cautious at potluck events and whenever someone tells me that they made something from an old "family recipe" I approach the dish with a bit of trepidation. These days I have get together's with my girlfriends for dinner. They tell me what they want made and I cook it. It's so much easier than competing with someone who found a recipe from Martha Stewart that they want to try out.

Another area that bugs me is music. I love all kinds of music and I rarely tell people that they have bad taste in music. I know 5 men who think that I have shitty taste in music. And it isn't because I don't listen to the same music that they like, I just don't obsess about a particular genre. Music to me is what is pleasing to the soul. If it brings me joy and I feel a sense of beauty within me, then how can it be shitty? Music reminds me of people. It reminds me of places and times in which I was either at my best or my worst. Music reminds me about how I want to feel or how I still want to feel. And I have never let music dictate how I live from day to day while I reminisce about the good ole days. Music is a soundtrack for all of our lives. So when someone tells me that I have shitty taste in music I take full offense to it. It's a roadblock that tells me "you have no intention of getting to know me on an emotional level". Thanks for trying.

I still want to make friends though. I feel like my male friendships always have a tinge of sexual tension that I am not really ever going to be able to get over. I'd just like to have something more than a Netflix and chill session sometimes. It gets old. I am getting older. Being used as a fucktool is exhausting and I wouldn't mind it so much if the fuckers who were fucking me asked me to a movie or took me on a day trip from time to time. I am not completely devoid of personality that I can't keep a normal conversation with folks. And thinking of that I am reminded of what Steven's friends all said about me when they first met me. They called me a social climber and pretty much referred to me as a trashy person.

This last bit is what really fucks with me. I don't think that I am a social climber and I certainly don't feel like I am a trashy person. I think that I might over-share from time to time. I may have grown up poor and I know what it means to not always get the things that I want. But I have never considered myself less-than. But it is hard to continue to interact with men (and women) when the only real topic of conversation revolves around how to improve or be better than best. I don't know how, or maybe I don't want, to be better than the best. I kind of like me from time to time and I think that I have a great personality. However, we all know that guys don't want to fuck a great personality. They want someone who has goals and wants more out of life. Men want someone who is a social climber and that just isn't me. I'm not much of a fighter. I guess that is why it is better to have 6 seconds in paradise all by myself, than have to put up with someone's insufferable conversation just to get some good dick.

And if it happens, it happens. I know that I am cynical and sarcastic and that really throws a lot of people off. People hate having someone clever or opinionated as part of the group collective. In a world of know-it-all's and bullshitters, keeping it real is a rare quality to find in pretty much anyone. If having sex to make friends is the wrong way, I don't know how to do it the right way. I can blame it on never being taught. I can blame it on a lack of role models in my life. I might even be able to blame it on some random guy who just didn't know how to show me the ropes. But ultimately the fault and the blame resides with me. I am a selfish fucker and I used to want more out of life. Now I just want men to zip up and find their way to the front door.

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.