It's like you don't know me at all.

I do not strive to do anything legit in my life. I am not sure if it is due to lack of attention or discipline. I have never felt the need to go above and beyond except when it comes to bad behavior. Good behavior really only guarantees some merit points in the long run. Bad behavior, however bad, guarantees instant gratification and some pretty wild stories to tell over a lifetime. It's no wonder that we as a species are always taunted with our own free will. "Come to the dark side Luke!" "Would you like the Blue Pill or the Red Pill Neo?" "Do not eat of the forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge!" I mean the last one really illustrates how our human behavior has always been geared toward things that are not considered good. If Eve hadn't taken a bite of that apple, then who knows what miraculous story would have evolved throughout the world's religions?

I have never really been an overachiever. I have never listed out specific goals to get me to a place that I desperately wanted to be in for sake of being there. I am not competitive. I mean, what is the point to be better at something than someone else? Someone is always going to be better at something that you are and there is no point sweating the small stuff just for ego sake. I suppose to some degree I am a bit of a perfectionist. I like my things put where they belong and I don't like it when people touch them or move them out of place. It throws me off.

I do bad things, but I am not bad. I am weak (if most of you would like to generalize my behavior). Sometimes I like to do things that only I can benefit from and I don't have to share in the experience. I think that there are things that call to me more than others. Let's face it, we all have that thing/voice in our head that says "do it! DO IT!" Regardless of the outcome, we do it or don't and ponder on it until we finally take care of it. I don't like itching and sometimes I have to scratch.

I have genuine thoughts about being better than I am. I think that there are things that I would like to have or places that I would like to be, but I lack the determination/drive to get what I want. There is a double edged sword to getting the things that you want and not wanting anything more. I am always wanting more and the process to get those things always seems harder. The "next time" afterthought is such an anxiety inducing parable. It is a monkey on my back that simply pokes at my brain like a little voice whispering into my ear. "You know that you want it""Won't everyone be so envious" "Oh look, it is such a bargain" I have figured out how to give into the bad side without any consolation to how it will affect me in the long run.

"Want a bottle of wine?" Sure....go ahead and drink two this weekend. "Want to smoke something to make you feel heavy?" do it before you go to bed and enjoy a good nights sleep. "Want to make sure that you never have to rely on people?" Move some place where nobody knows your name. I haven't ran away from home in a few years and that weight on my shoulders is getting heavier and heavier day by day. Still, getting it out of my head, jotted down on something, makes me look at it and wonder how silly it is and how frustrating I can be. I want good things in my life and I want to be better at the things that I do, but when it all boils down at the end of the day all I want to do is sleep.

There is no competition in sleeping.