Daddy Issues

Holiday season brings out a peculiar beast in me. I am conflicted about wanting to enjoy the spirit and festivities that they (holidays) entail. Part of me would like to see the world through rose colored glasses. Another part of me wants it to all go up in flames. I get excited early on and I try my best to exude holiday cheer. I put on a smile whenever I am presented with wholesome merriment. I genuinely want to be the better part of myself that I know that I can be. But then I see the insanity that has been birthed by consumerism. I see how things have quickly changed from being grateful for the things you've got to being first in line to buy that/those thing(s) that you don't need. It is such a turn off to hear folks say "I can't wait until I can buy ______" an hour after they have finished stuffing their gullet full of food. It's madness!

The part of me that still wants to hold on to the holiday spirit is the part of me that still wishes that Santa Claus was a real person. There's still a boy inside of my soul that smiles whenever he sees Christmas lights decorating a home or Christmas tree. I still get a spark of glee when Thanksgiving comes and I know that there will be a day full of cooking and eating. It's all I can do not to get up early and make myself a fabulous full breakfast, while anticipating the taste of moist turkey meat and savory herbed stuffing! I wanna deck the halls and trim the tree and be a total corndog throughout October to the new year. I want to follow most of my traditions, introduce new ideas, get drunk on holiday punch or eggnog. And I want to see the holidays for what they can be, instead of some depressing momentary irritation.

For most of us, the realization that is presented during the holidays is all too real. Some of us don't have anyone to share things with during these festive months. Over the years I can overlook not having a significant other and shake it away as "just another day". As the years progress though, it's hard to see the things you love, the ideas and hopes and traditions, fall by the wayside, because you don't have a family to pass them along to.

I think that I would have made a great Dad! I'd like to think that I would have given my world just to hear a child say "I love you Daddy" to me. I look at all of the things that occur in a year and wonder how fun it would be to have a little version of myself to enjoy them with. So when the holidays occur, I am sullen, mostly because I don't have a child (or children) to give me that holiday high. I think that it would be fun to take my mini-me to get a Halloween costume. It would be fun to show a mini-me how to make a carrot souffle. It would be awesome to take a mini-me to get his/her picture taken with Santa and come home to make Christmas cookies while watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. It would be a lot of things that the holidays remind me of from when I was a child. Even if realistically it isn't so picturesque.

I flip-flop on the idea of parenthood. It isn't easy to be a gay man and want to be a father as well. The obstacles are a little harder to overcome and the challenges are a tad bit more challenging. Some people actually plan out having children. Straight couples are always planning things in their lives. They have it down to a full business model complete with charts and graphs. They all say things like "my child will do this and that. My child will be the most beautiful. My child, my child my child...." until they are blue in the face and all you can do is dare them to say one more thing! I don't know what my child would be like. I would like to think of him or her as being kind and generous to others. Ultimately, I would just like them to be a good person in the world.

To some degree there is a bit of selfishness when the idea of having a kid comes to mind. The idea that there is something that is uniquely a part of you living and breathing is hard to escape. Being a parent is joy and heartache. It is wonderment and strict. It's living in a different state of mind that reminds a person that they are not alone in the world. It is selfish. People want to have children all of the time to remind themselves that they are loved. It's hard to love yourself for who you are and think about giving love to someone else who has no say in the matter of the love that you have to offer. Teen girls do it all of the time. Women do it all of the time. But you don't really hear many stories about men doing it. Unless you are talking about gay men and their journey to parenthood.

Some people tell me to get a plant or a dog as a deterrent to having children. I think a lot of people underestimate me. I have done a decent job "raising" kids in my family even if those kids weren't mine. Another thought that has occurred to me is to adopt a child. I have often thought of this as a way to  bring a child into my family. The thought of children being abandoned or orphaned breaks my heart. It hard to see children without a family and think about bringing new life into the world. When I flip-flop about parenthood, I weigh heavily on adoption as a way to become a father. If I had the lifestyle and means to welcome a child into my home, then I would have adopted a few kids by now. Like all things though, I am still struggling to keep my head afloat in the world. It would be nice to be the answer to a child's prayer. I just don't know if I could get over myself to be that person.