The Great Pretender

"What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another
One of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say 'I will never surrender!'"
- Foo Fighters

I have always been under the impression that people hear what they want to hear. Whether or not it is the truth is mostly subjective. Little white lies have prevailed in human society since the first grunt uttered by prehistoric man. It's not that we don't like, or value, the truth. We would rather not be inconvenienced with a set back that truth can bring. It's simpler to move along in life with blinders on. Why else would the phrase "looking at life through rose colored glasses" exist? We don't want to deal with unpleasantries.

The internet has caused the truth to become more and more obscured. Thanks to comment sections on social media sites, we now have a billion versions of somebody else's truth. Reading any number of comments from any number of opinions can make a person hateful toward their fellow man. The same can be said for self diagnosing. If the truth were actually the truth, I would have three hours left to live on any given day.

For the sake of words, let's just focus on truth, what folks want to hear, and little fucking irritations known as double standards. I found myself going off at the mouth recently. I think that I can make words sound sincere. It's not that I am completely disingenuous, but sometimes small talk is really just SMALL talk. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I want to seem engaged in conversation. I find talking, never ending talking, innocuous. I don't know what it is about listening to people go on and on and on about shit. Rather than engage or listen without complication, I actively attempt to change the conversation, find some common ground, or block it all out altogether. It doesn't seem fair, but I hate listening to drivel.

Now, does it make me normal or does it make me one of those types that no one wants to share anything with? I spend a lot of time listening. I observe people when I am out in public. There are folks that are interesting, then there are folks who are completely clueless. I used to have friends that shared many things with me. We all had common interests and lived simple lives. As most of my friends goals changed and we started drifting off into our own little versions of life, we shared less. I would like to believe that there is still a part of us in US. I have shared ideas and conversations and listened to life stories from my friends and family many many times. In the end, I have felt exploited and exasperated from the time spent in small talk. And I have felt ignored.

It's hard to pretend to care. I should care, regardless of the conversation. I try to be involved and interested, but the noise that comes out of some folks mouth is just noise. Sports noise, car noise, job noise, political noise, family/children noise, noise, noise, noise. I sound like the fucking Grinch for crying out loud. I even find this behavior occurring with romantic relationships. I feel like I give a hundred percent and actively listen and communicate as best as I can. I find that I have no real opinions or comments and my communication suffers. I feel like the person who has stories to tell, but nothing real to back it up with. And I smile and nod my head like I understand what's going on like some fucking miserable drone. Biddy-biddy-biddy!

How do you make yourself stand out in a mine field of VH1 Pop Up video conversations? I know one uppers who always have it better or worse than the next guy. I stopped talking with time vampires who leech off and drain energy. I can honestly say that I try to remain open to communication with everyone that I meet. I don't want to sound unintelligent. Unfortunately, that is how I feel when I am trying to be objective. It's hard to hear the things that other folks have to say. People don't come with a remote that alters their personality to better suit the situation. What happens in the end is that the people I interact with see very different versions of me. I am not the same person to my mother that I am to my father. I am different towards a man that I want to have sex with, than I am with a man I want to have a friendship or a connection with. I am a bunch of masks switching moods to fill a space in the lives of people who talk so much and never give back.

I wonder what I look like to myself. In my head I hear "I feel like I wouldn't like me, if I met me" and sink back into my solitude without any thought to consequence. My actions may say that I am not being genuine or honest, but if you were a complete stranger, how would you be able to tell? There are those of us who can fill a page full of words and have it sound like nothing but nonsense. Who are the folks who are able to dissect the real from the fiction. Can my reflection be the person I see in the mirror or is it another mask that I wear, because it is the only way I have ever seen myself? It's hard to be...I dunno...it's just hard to be. It's hard to listen. It's hard to follow along and contribute. It's easier to write it down and hope that someone else get's it. I hate having to explain it!