The Pen Is Blue, The Goddamn Pen Is Blue

I don't know if I have an obsessive mind. There are times when all I can focus on are the things that I am not getting (sex, love, attention, time to do the things that I want to do), instead of focusing on the things that I have. It troubles me. There are people in the world with worse off problems than the ones I bitch and complain about, and yet, here I am, spewing out my verbal garbage like I have no common sense. Mindboggling, huh?

Lately, I have had thoughts of fight or flight. Again, there are things that I want to do and things that I don't want to do and the thing of it is, I don't want to do what I am doing right now. I want to write when I can or when the mood hits me. I want to listen to music and drink coffee and not have a care in the world. I know that those things are what I enjoy. Working....is not what I enjoy. I hate that I have to give myself up, everyday, in order to make money to live. Such a wasted way to live a life and to enjoy every waking moment. When people say that we all have choices, I call bullshit. The choices that we are given are to succumb to societal standards or be punished for not doing what you are supposed to be doing. It feels like there are all these limitations on all of us to do and be this thing in order to pay bills, make plans, and fail at living happily.

I have friends that obsess about having a life fulfilled. They spend all of their time building, adding, creating, and driving their lives in a direction that has always been mapped out for them. They are tired. They are always yelling. They are living the American dream and misleading themselves into this irrational place that assures them that they are doing the right thing. And it might be the right thing for them, even if it appears indulgent from an outside perspective. I have to remind myself that the things that I grew up knowing are the things that only I grew up knowing and expecting the same type of thinking from others is just not possible. We all live in a bubble world that doesn't exist with each other, regardless of the vows we take and promises we make.

Which makes no sense at all in my mind sometimes. I hate to think that there are people in this world who cannot see the forest for the trees. I dunno, maybe I am obsessed with my own little forest and can't see beyond my own boundaries. I wonder what it is about me that people cannot see, or what they choose not to see. Is it my ugly face/ Is it the way I walk as I waddle down the street? Maybe it is the sound of my voice or the look I give off when I know that what I am doing is not what I want to be doing. It's definitely the sarcasm that seeps from my skin. There are numerous things that flow through my mind and all I want to do sometimes is put up a banner and ask "what is it about me that isn't special?" Because we all know, that no one is special and everyone is the same. Some are just less, less special. And there are others who benefit their whole lives from "pretty privilege". I wish that I had been born with more than just an observant eye. 

I work to change though. I am not consistent, but I work to change when I know that I am failing. The world doesn't owe me anything, right? Especially since I am the one who is in control of everything around me. So why can't I quit? Why can't I be charming enough to land a husband, or even bend the ear of a willing suitor? How is it that I go from one spot to another spot and feel just as stuck as I was before? Why do I still feel like the only real option for me, sometimes, is to just go to sleep and never wake up? It's the anxiety that kills me most of the time. It is the expectation that pisses me of the rest of the time. But here I am. Thinking about making more changes and wondering what is the easiest way to do it. And I obsess over it. Again and again.