The Clear Blue Sky

I have two younger sisters. For as long as I can remember I have been told that I have had a responsibility to be "the man of the house" and was always held up to different standards than they ever were. I have always been the oldest and charged (or indirectly implied) with their well being. I am my sisters keeper and would do anything for either of them if they needed me. As I have gotten older, our roles have changed and our opinions have become more rooted in our own individual life experiences. I have seen things and done things that neither of my two sisters have ever imagined. They have their own experiences that have shaped them into the women that they are today. We still seem to see eye to eye with each other and have a common respect for one another.

My kid sister and I talk a lot more than my baby sister and I do. I am not sure if it is a bonding thing or if my baby sister has always spent most of her time being the "baby of the family" that she never really embraced a true relationship with either of her elder siblings. Whatever the case may be, she fights a lot of her internal demons on her own and rarely trusts anyone. I get it. My kid sister and I are the same way. Where we all differ, is in who we confide it. My kid sister and I are tight lipped with one another when it comes to our grievances and who or what we share. We rarely inform other family members when it comes to things that are not sitting right with us. We also share a bond that comes from a place of emotional abuse. Which isn't all too uncommon with our younger sibling, but she takes it to a different level. There are things about her that can set a fire to any relationship regardless of who is to blame. 

I often wonder what it is like to hold familial grudges against the ones that you love. I don't know how to turn off that unconditional part that says "it doesn't matter what you say or do, I love you no matter what." I don't ever want to turn it off, because my sisters mean more to me than most relationships I have had in my lifetime. Even if it is easy for my baby sister to turn it off when she is being ugly, I still think about how impactful holding back is on her. Not being able to express what it is she wants to say or even confront the things that cause her grief. She has a blockade around her spirit that even she will not break because she "has no time for fake ass people" in her life. Without question, she becomes judge, jury, and executioner with those around her when her perceived actions or behaviors are confronted. One day, I am sitting pretty. The next day, she never wants to speak to me. With no explanations. 

It causes an ache to know there is a rift between us. And the thing about it is that this rift never existed until I decided to move out of state and take care of the last bit of years that I have left on this earth. For her to kill the brother/sister bond that we have shared all our lives and relegate it to burning bridges between sparring friends is disheartening. I love her unconditionally. Even if she thinks otherwise.