"Why can't you be blue over me?"

 There is a time in life when we all look back and wonder what would have happened if we had made different choices. Would things have turned out the same? Would they be different? Would taking risks, not taking risks, changing which way to turn or not to turn, have made any impact on the outcome in the long run? Who can say. We are not really given the option to rewind and make different choices. What we are afforded are the memories and lessons that life has taught us all (if we were wise to learn them) in order to make better choices in our current situations and future endeavors. 

I often wonder what it would have been like if I had never met Steven. If Jay and I had not gone out to Boom that night and if Jay hadn't ignored me the entire time, I wonder if things would have been different. You see, I never mention Steven. Steven was the one, the all encompassing love of my life, who, without a shred of decency, broke my heart into a million, unrepairable pieces. He was the man that I craved. He was the intimacy and desire that I worked so hard to find. He was the ultimate deceiver that fooled me for years. I suppose I was just too in love to see him for what he really was. I suppose that now, looking back, I glossed over all of those things about him that annoyed me, in order to have a steady, solid relationship.

I had had relationships before Steven, but none that were quite as exquisite as the one I had with him. He did the little things. He paid attention to the words that I said. We fit together as two men could and rarely fought with one another. Everything was just too perfect and in the end...I was annihilated and humiliated by his callousness and disrespect. Every day I push away thoughts of him, in order to be able to function properly. Days, sometimes weeks, will go by where I don't even give him a thought. Then one small things will happen and my brain will relive the trauma and play out the arguments that  had towards the end of our relationship. I hate him for it. I hate myself for letting him affect me for as long as I have. He killed my spirit and I let him have all the power over me to do so. It makes me sad that he could never share my pain.