Conversations With No One

 "hey there"

"oh hey man, how's it going?

"not too bad. just another day living the dream."

"oh yeah!"

"gotta favor to ask of you."

"sure man, what's up?"

"i met a guy who is kind of not like any other guy that I have ever met and I want to ask him out on a date."

"hmmmm, well I am not sure how I can help you there."

"Nah, it is all good. what I want to do is ask him out for dinner or something informal. I am not sure if he is gay or straight, but I enjoy being in his company."

"okay, so what do you need me for?"

"i think that he likes a lot of the things that are considered 'butch' and since you are the straightest man i know, i thought you could give me some pointers.

"pointers? that is something i would have to think about. what does he like?"

"i dunno, cars and sports. i am pretty sure he would think wet t-shirt contests are sexy as hell, but I am not really interested in diverting his attention to busty women."

"well you said that you are not sure if he is gay or straight. shouldn't you find that out before you go down the 'would you like to go on a date' avenue?"

"yeah, i know i should probably get that information out first. i kind of wish that it was just all out there like the color of the sky. ambiguity just makes things confusing."

"is he ambiguous?"

"no. actually, he has been dating a girl."

"see, there is your answer. he is not going to go for a date with another dude. no matter how you dress it up to look like anything else. it is still a date. and what do you hope to accomplish?"

"i'm not sure. i got the impression that there was an interest there."

"an interest in what? did he make a move on you or tell you otherwise that he was into dating dudes?"

"no."

"then why are you even pursuing him? aren't there guys out there that you have an interest with that are also interested in you?"

"yes, but i...."

"there is your answer."

"what is that?"

"seriously? why would you pursue a man who hasn't given you an inkling that he is remotely interested in dating another man. let alone you? you can't be that niave."

"i'm just saying...."

"saying what....that you hope an attraction will eventually materialize? bro, that is NEVER going to happen."

"i guess i am just wishful thinking then."

"yeah, mostly."

"you can't make a guy who isn't into guys gay."

"that wasn't what i was trying to do. for some reason, i thought that he might have an interest in me. i wanted to explore it to see what kind of interest it was."

"well i am pretty sure dating and fucking are not the interest that you were picking up on."

"sigh....you are probably right."

"dude, i am absolutely right. how do you think he would react if you put the moves on him."

"i wasn't even thinking about putting any moves on him. all i wanted to do was spend a few hours getting to know him and finding out what his hopes and dreams were. nothing sexual.

"all things that lead to getting to know intimate details about one another. those things lead to emotional connections and again, that is probably not something that he is interested in sharing with another man."

"you straight men are so fucking confusing."

"you know you want us all."

"that is not at all true."

"of course it is. i remember how you used to message me all the time when i was dating that girl from the bar. and then you stopped when i told you that she was my girlfriend."

"well, you were a bit more up front about it."

"i still am."

"you want to go grab some pizza and beers?"

"sure. you buy the first round."