Sometimes i cry.

The holidays are around the corner. I am confronted with it every time I go to the grocery store or some other big box retailer. Decorations, lights, foods, television shows, I am surrounded by all of these things that push my anxiety and depression buttons. I have moments of thought when I am looking at Halloween decorations where I am reminded that I don't have a house to dress up and present for the neighborhood to enjoy. I miss trick or treating. I miss the amusement of having a spooky time while carving a pumpkin and watching IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN CHARLIE BROWN. Even picking out a Halloween card for my friend Kristin reminds me of the fun that she will have with her husband and her boys and the boredom I will endure knowing that Halloween falls in the middle of the week between my Mother and my Sister's birthdays. It makes me tear up.

I've tried a few things to fake or substitute this holiday craving with something similar to joy. One year I decided to make a month of scary movie nights. I posted photo's of the movies I was watching, a different movie for every night, until Halloween. However, there were no real response to my postings on social media and halfway through it I lost interest. I lost interest because no one found it interesting. I spent the rest of the month doing my own thing. Another year I went all out and bought many outdoor decorations for my tiny apartment in central Phoenix. I loved putting up lights on my outdoor archway. It was so much fun putting up a creepy fun graveyard on my walkway. I had an amazing time, but none of my other neighbors participated. On Halloween night I had to sit outside with my candy because the neighborhood kids didn't go to the "apartment homes" situated on the corner. One of the neighborhood fathers thanked me for being neighborly. It made me feel sad that we have become a society of cynical people that can't even celebrate our traditions anymore.

I feel like I am getting off track.

Oh yeah, the holidays.

My girlfriend Kristin wants me to spend the holidays with her and her family. I would love to do that, but I can't bring myself to do it. I love them all. I love the fact that she would enjoy me there. I can't get around the fact that this would be me tagging along as a friend of the family with nothing to give in return. I have fallen into this trap a time or two and I just don't want to be a part of someone else's memories. I want my own memories and traditions. I couldn't impose myself on anyone regardless of how willing they were to let me come in and make myself at home.

So these cards and decorations, party celebrations and merriment, they all make me think of the things that I want and what I don't have. An outside observer would say "then go out and get what you want" and they would be sort of right. I have two ideas in my head that contradict one another. One says that this should be easy and I shouldn't place too much stress on what it is that I don't have. I should be celebrating the things that I do have. Finding a relationship should be an equal balance of getting out into society to make new friendships. It shouldn't be disarming. It should be a human experience. The other thought is this is too hard. Why should I have to sacrifice anything to find that feeling inside that makes me feel hole and human again? It takes less amount of effort for me to sit at home on the couch and disappear in the world than it does to be ignored by the rest of society. I don't need to put forth the energy in forging new relationships when the old ones that I have had are no longer successful. It's a weird balance that I am uneasy and unskilled at accomplishing.

I am not really sure how to take the rest of the days that are to come. I feel like I feel too much. It's useless for me to complain about it. I have to live with the fact that being alone is what it is.