In a class of my own

in a class of (one's)/its own

Completely superior to others of one's or its kind. 

I would like to think that I am superior than others. Pride in one's self is not all that uncommon. I know that there are things that I am good at. I excel at cooking when I need to. I think that I can sing pretty well if I put my mind to it. I am great at holding a conversation. I know a million things about a million things, yet I don't claim to be a know it all.

What I lack are friends/meaningful friendships. Sure, I have a small number of close friends that I have had for many years. As I grow older it has become more and more apparent that I don't make friends like I used to. I miss having a lot of friends. I wonder why I don't have as many friends as I used to, then it dawns on me that I am cynical and I don't always like people.

I have a very small amount of gay and lesbian friends. None of whom I would ever call really close friends. It bothers me to some degree because I feel that I have always had something unique to offer to the LGBTQ community. (Even if my life is boring and stale at the moment) I have always wondered what makes some gay and lesbian men stand out more than others.

I am not a fan of sports. There is something confusing about sports that I just don't get. Don't misunderstand me by thinking that I don't understand competition and camaraderie. I just don't understand why that feeling is life? Men and women get so obsessed with athletes to an annoying degree that makes me want to punch someone in the face.

Gay men in particular can be mostly cruel to guys who are not into sports. It has to do with the perception and projection of masculinity. In my own mind, I think that I am pretty masculine. In my own way I am a man that has become a man by doing my own thing. I have also made it a point to be inclusive when interacting with men who don't appear to be remotely masculine, because being kind is how I like to live.

Sex as friendship is troublesome. I have known plenty of men that I have had sex with that included a small amount of shared likes, but the sex was the only reason for the friendship. It never used to bother me that the men I knew would hit me up for a quicky from time to time. I didn't have to invest too much into the short times that I spent with any of them. Anywhere from fifteen minutes to a couple of hours was adequate for me, because I didn't have to commit to being committed. 

Sex gets old and boring when the person(s) you are doing it with becomes super routine. After a while I started to crave wanting someone to stay around afterwards and watch a movie. When someone hits me up, I am usually hoping that they will ask me out to a movie or maybe dinner or something outside of the bedroom (and nudity) that includes socializing in one form or another. 

I've sacrificed doing the things that I love, in order to scratch an itch. I miss being outdoors with others. I miss karaoke nights and singing my lungs out. I also miss having deep and meaningful conversations with others regarding things like religion, sex and politics. I fear that my opinions have been what have kept me behind a wall of safety. After being told (many times) that I am really opinionated I feel that opening my mouth has turned people off. I have learned to bite my own tongue so much that now I am afraid speak, fearing that I will alienate someone.

There are folks who know me and know how I behave. I don't usually hide the fact that I don't see myself as an overachiever or someone who desires to be more than I already am. I don't have that gene. Most people want to be successful. Most men want to be chasing something that they feel will make them something. I have never wanted to be something. My goals were never set that high. 

When I was younger I exclaimed that 45 was my scary age. 45 was the age that I would cease to exist, the age in which I would become old. I have never thought beyond 45. I have not planned beyond 45. I am not prepared for 45, but it is around the corner. Men and women determine their lives by schooling and coupling in their late teens and early 20's. Mating and creating families from their 20's and 30's while investing in a career, home and 401 K's. from 30-40 they are honing their crafts, nurturing their families, planing out yearly vacations and occasional big purchase items. 45-60 finds most men and women adjusting into their work life, welcoming new family members into their home, planning retirement and indulging in backyard barbecues and neighborhood block parties. If they are lucky to make it to 60-80 These men and women find the time to relax so that when they are aging into 80-90+, they are comfortable (and not living in a box or retirement facility). I lack these plans and life goals. I have never figured them out. Sometimes I try, but I fail and rarely try again.

This is a a deterrent  when forging new relationships/friendships. I find that some men (or women) see me and wonder "what is he doing with his life" and write me off because I am not living up to a standard that doesn't exist. Being happy with who I am or what I have isn't comparable to wanting more and improving upon myself. 

I want more friends. I want to know more gay men. I don't know how to do it so that I am successful at it. I don't know what will happen over the next few years, but I want to make sure that I indulge in as much of this life as I can. It isn't as terrible as my anxiety makes it seem. I just need to get off my butt and make better choices. Even if it means leaving the comfort of my own little world. I am determined to make something a little better than nothing I guess.