This pill will make you smaller

"Pills to wake, pills to sleep
Pills, pills, pills every day of the week
Pills to walk, pills to think
Pills, pills, pills for the family
Pills to grow, pills to shrink
Pills, pills, pills and a good stiff drink
Pills to fuck, pills to eat
Pills, pills, pills down the kitchen sink"
- St. Vincent 2017

I love pills! I love the way that they make me feel and I love the way they don't make me feel. Lately, the pills that I have been taking haven't been making me feel (or not feel) much of anything. I take sleeping pills to knock out my brain so that I don't lay in bed thinking about everything in the world that I don't need to be thinking about. I usually take two along with my 10 mg melatonin so that I am completely ready to sleep when the effects kick in. I like to be super drowsy. However, lately....this combination doesn't seem to be working as well as I would like. It is almost as if I need to take more just to get more sleep. More doesn't always do it though and I wind up feeling crappy the day after. I mean if I want to feel hungover, I'd better be using different pills.

The "world" say that we have an opiod crisis. I know that we have an addiction crisis, but I don't feel that it is solely an opiod issue. I love prescription drugs! Again, I love the way that they make me feel and the way they don't make me feel. I think that the amount of medications out there that are designed to take away pain should definitely be readily available to anyone who wants them. My body is always in pain. My feet hurt all of the time. my legs hurt all of the time. My shoulders hurt all of the time....I could go on. I have been told that if I were to exercise, then most of these pains would go away. I have skinny friends who exercise who are always in pain and the fact that they exercise doesn't make any difference. The older that I get, the more I hurt and the more unusual the pain feels. Pills help to cover up that pain. "But what about the underlying cause?" What about it? If there is an underlying cause that could be "cured" with surgery or with any combination of surgery, weight loss, exercise and a healthy diet, the end result is always going to be the same. At some point the pain is going to come back and I am going to need those pills.

This is why I also enjoy weed. Indica is such a blessing that takes about ten minutes to hit me and it puts me out for the night. I love it! I love it up until the point the effects wear off and I am stuck with a headache that makes me want to put someones lights out. Then it is time for some pills. Tylenol, aspirin, alieve, whatever I have in the medicine cabinet will do. Sometimes I take a handful of whatever to take care of the throbbing in my head. Whatever it takes, that is what I take. And it isn't because I am addicted, it is because I am genuinely in pain and I will let my body determine which pain reliever will fix each pain. I do have an addictive personality, but I don't have access to addictive drugs so I do what I can. Whenever someone says "hey I've got this" you better believe that I am all over it. I am thinking about how I can best abuse the high, or low, that I am going to get. And believe me, alcohol does increase certain feelings. I shouldn't do it. I know. But I do it and I am either going to get a really good nights sleep, or do something really stupid and never recover. It's a chance that I take. 

The opiod problem.

I feel like people don't want others to be addicted. Like, the end result, or death, is their issue and not the issue of the person who is taking the drug. If I hide the fact that I like pills and how they make me feel, who am I hurting? I am not driving around in a lucid state. I am not caring for someone else and their needs. I am certainly not running for public office or running a country. I am just a nobody trying to feel a little better for however long that I have on this planet. That should be my business and my business alone. I have pills to increase my libido. I have pills to suppress my depression. I have pills to help get through my day. That is my business and it should always be my business. And if I want some opiods, I should be allowed to take them without being told when I can and when I can't.  If it doesn't impact someone else's life, then what does it matter. And if it takes mine, hey, then I am already gone. An atheist has no qualms with an afterlife. And my affairs after I am gone are for the living to determine. Make sure I am cremated and give my belongings to the people I have specified. Done deal. 

I suppose when all is said and done, I would have enjoyed being Alice in Wonderland. That bitch was always finding things to eat and drink that made her different than she was. Poor Alice. No one in Wonderland understood her and I never really understood what she was looking for in Wonderland. I just know that I would have been lit as fuck with the Caterpillar. I would have been drunk as fuck at the Mad Hatter's tea party. And I would have been fucked up in some way when dealing with the Queen of Hearts. Anything to get me through the trippy land of Wonder. I wouldn't want to come home. After I smoke some idica, all I wanna do is sink into my couch and feel weighty and smaller. It's heavy. It takes me away from the feeling that I have everyday and the worthless that I always feel. Who wouldn't want that?