Celophane

I think that if I look out the window long enough I will be able to see freedom. Freedom from separation, anxiety, loss, selfishness and so many other adjectives that leave me translucent and vague at the end of the day. I feel, some times, like a recycled plastic bag. Always being thrown out in the trash only to be recreated into yet another form of a plastic bag (or paper, however you see the analogy). I'm smart, but too stupid for my own good. And I can tell you all that this window houses many empty stares, imprisoned with many lonely memories. It has been the canvas for fingerprint paintings on cold glass brought to life by a warm breath. Being a recycled object means more than just being reusable, it also means not original. My love is no longer original, it's jaded. The way I lust after things is no longer original, it's fleeting. Happiness only comes in whatever form that I can get it in, but it comes from the outside, not within. I think if I look out this window long enough then I will be able to see my freedom and the light at the end of the tunnel. But for now, the room that houses me keeps me safe from the world outside.

"The Lovers" started out as a lovely romance. Boy meets boy. Boy falls in love with boy. Life goes on happily ever after. I couldn't stand the simpleness of the entire idea so I chucked the first draft in to the garbage can. After spending weeks thinking of the idea and how it affected me I decided to come up with an alternative. The ideas in my head became clear and my purpose for entertainment became recognizable. In order for me to illuminate the realities of queer life for those of you, I needed to delve into my experiences that have shaped me into the man I am today. Instead of focusing on a set of lovers and how they reacted in life I decided to focus on the lovers that made my existence in this world so amazingly beautiful. I decided to take bits and pieces of two of them in particular because both played huge roles in my life. This gave me an idea on how to celebrate a life cut short and a perfect relationship gone south. Instead of boy meeting boy, falling in love and living happily ever after, boy meets boy meets boy, chaos ensues and the world turns into something else in the end. Such is my life without the story actually being my life. I guess that is how all great stories start. The catalyst of any true, great romance will have more to do with the conflicts and resolutions that people have, rather than sappy sugar coated fairytales.

It's a start.

For the time being I will keep my mind off of Steven. I think about him every day and I think about him so much it hurts inside. I can't believe I wake up without him by my side every morning. I can't believe that he is no longer in my embrace at night when I fall asleep. The worst thing is his ability to turn off the love that he had for me and banish me into the dark as if I had no say in the matter. I had a choice in his life as much as he had a choice in mine. No one can be with someone for six years and not be invested in that other persons life. I have this huge separation heartache that leaves me wondering why he felt it necessary to hurt me so much all for the sake of having the human equivalent to neurotic play dough. I have been told it is his loss, but what about mine. What about my loss and what about my "ever after"? I thought I had it. Does he think he has it now? And why is it so hard for me to open up to myself and grieve the loss of my best friend...my lover...the night air hears my whispers as I exhale cigarette smoke and sigh "I love you baby, and I miss you so much." Someday I will feel normal again, or so I am told. He will never know the true toll that his actions have taken on me or my heart. That saddens me most of all.

Peace!