Friday night lights!

Time can be frustrating! Especially on a Friday afternoon for a man who is waiting for a hot night out on the town. Although, the tired waves that are pulsing through my body are indicating to me that I need a nap before I wage a war on the inner city dance-club scene. This is the time in my day that I wish I still had my twenty year old energy. The fun part for me isn't quite over now that I am in my early thirties, but it certainly has to be at an earlier time for me to enjoy it fully. To an extent it sounds pathetic that I can't stay out till twelve or one o'clock in the morning anymore. I am young in spirit, it's just my body that gets tired more often theses days.

It's Easter weekend and I am pretty sure that this will be one of those holidays that I avoid. It's not like Easter was a really big weekend for Steven and I, but it's still a holiday in which we would celebrate being together. We would chare a special weekend together and we would have fun. I can't honestly say that we had any memorable Easters, but it's still the fact of the matter. Jason and I never really had 'holidays. Jason and I had moments in time, but I think fall and winter seasons were what I will always cherish and miss him the most. So, no holiday time for me this weekend and definitely no Easter baskets sitting around my house collecting dust. Don't quote me on this, but I am sure that I won't be practicing any of the holidays this year. Purely out of spite and the desire to forget everything that I feel and who I felt everything for (both physical and in spirit).

I started working in my new office this week. I can't believe the change and the amount of cooperation that goes on in this new office. It is relaxing and much more appropriate for a man of my demeanor. Another plus is that I am buried in a corner with a wall up around me and there is no possibility of interruption from outside sources. I can finally get some work done. Y'all would think that I am getting some work done, but here I am tapping away at my keyboard like I have nothing better to do with my time. Idle hands...

I read something from a friend of mine the other day. It kind of made me cross, but after examining it in my head for a few days I decided not to let it bother me. I wanted to take it personal, but I knew that it wasn't 'about' me. I've known this man for a few months now and we have run into each other a few times. I even made a failed attempt to meet up with him somewhere. He didn't seem interested so I let it go. He's cute and probably a very, very nice person to get along with. The few conversations that we have had are playful and a lot of times we bash on our ex's. His rant sparked off a bit of heat with people he knew or those he came in contact with briefly. He defends his stance on not wanting a relationship and he is pretty adamant that all the men from Arizona are screwed up. it's probably true, but I am from Arizona and I don't think I am screwed up. At least not by his definition. I think men are screwed up anywhere. The only thing that he and I disagree on is the subject of companions. I know that it's too soon for me to want another long term boyfriend, but my goal is to eventually have another one. As easy as it was for Steven to jump from one man to another, it is not so easy for me to do...I have a heart with feelings and they take time to heal. My friend's stance on 'coupling' is to the point...he thinks there are too many men in Arizona "husband hunting". I pose this question, what's wrong with wanting a partner, a boyfriend, a life-partner, a significant other or, for lack of a better word, a husband? I mean it's totally okay if this is not how he wants to be involved with another man. But in all honesty, why does he think it's wrong for someone like me to want something like that? It raises an eyebrow for me because I kinda like him and I know that he has made it clear to himself (and others who read his blog) that a relationship is not what he wants. I'll remain a nice friend to him, but I am pretty sure that nothing will pan out in the way of anything physical. It's all about connections and I think we've tried mishap connections for too long now.

I used to think that Jason and I were complicated, but then Steven showed me that being simple was just as complicated. Then we have Michael who sent out all of the right signals, and teetered on the boundaries of Bisexuality, who decided that escalating a friendship to a higher level would be too complicated. Over the years I have come across a lover who made it complicated from a long distance, a flirt who could only be in lust with complicating circumstances and a few fcuk buddies that complicated their own long term relationships by sleeping with every man in the known civilized world (me included). Things like this SHOULDN't be come fcuking complicated. Life takes work and there are days when I know nothing of that work and my depression is soaring through the roof, but I still keep going. Boise told me that I have always been a strong one and that I have always managed to land on my feet in the end. How many more ends do I have before I lose my strength to carry on? If these little complications are too much for me, when do I get to choose to exit out the back door? Because I tell ya fella's...you're not making it easy for a man to have hope. When you're happy, you exude happiness and it shows. When you are living the life you have always wanted to life, then there is no doubt in my mind that you are happy. I just don't understand why men have to go and FCUK things up and make shit complicated when the world is resting in the palms of the hands. Seems like perfection is just the complication that they all need...I just want to find another soul-mate.

Peace!