Elitist Enlightenment

Elitist Enlightenment

Sarcastic

Spark - Tori Amos

I eye-balled this man in the gym the other day. He was a fine specimen of male beauty. Perfectly chiseled, dark skinned and beautiful full lips. He stood in front of the mirrors, statuesque, flexing his pectorals and analyzing the curvature of his biceps...he breathed in a few deep breaths and then selected two fifty pound dumbbells from the weights from the open reserves and he went about his workout. I sat in my torture device, leering at him, pressing my legs together on my thigh press as I imagined all of the thing that I would let him do to me. I pressed harder and harder as I stared inappropriately at him! Then my eyes fixed on his....and I shied away from the initial eye contact, but then I noticed we started playing the "catch me staring" game. I paid no real attention to it and went about my business, because I rarely find men in gyms who are willing to play the flirting game for the purpose of pursuing something beyond it. Half an hour later I finished my workout. I headed back to the locker room to take off my sweaty clothes and grab a quick shower before returning to my day. As I disrobed, my tall drink of water came into the locker room and walked up to a locker beside mine. He smiled, said hello and he started toweling himself off. I looked over to him and without thinking I blurted out "you are too damn sexy!" I could see the look of a grateful compliment in his eyes as he said thanks to me, but then he followed his appreciation up with this immediate comment "I'm not into chubs." Well, to say the least I skipped the shower and dressed as quickly as I could as to avoid any more embarrassment. I said "thanks for not being such an asshole" and rushed out of the door. I felt so humiliated! There I was standing in front of my car thinking I was this mountain of a man that that needed surgical help to get my 1000 pound ass out of my bed. I mean, I felt like he felt like I was this behemoth fatty waiting to pounce on him. Like I was some porker who was let out from fat camp on early release so that I could stalk him for lunch and feast on his body as if it were a buffet. I drove home in my dismayed mood. I shouldn't have let it bother me...it was stupid! I would have expected a little more tact, but the older I get the less I am surprised by the actions of adults in this world. I poured a shot of scotch into a glass and went out onto the porch to have a smoke. I worked off my edginess and set out on my day again.

I thought about this asinine comment all day long, it's obvious that I am still thinking about it, and I studied people that I came in contact with. Whenever I walked by a reflective surface I studied the way my body moved and I wondered how I appeared to others. I see and meet beautiful people all of the time. They come into my office with their "perfect" bodies and toned physiques and schmooze with the doctors. Hounds I call them, all of them! I open my desk drawer and sneak a piece of chocolate into my mouth. Every now and again I am blessed to be included in conversations, or social events, with brilliant men and women. I get to laugh and chuckle with them as they pat each other on the back and smile with their perfectly constructed teeth that are as white, straight and big as can be. There is a reason that I avoid the gym during peak hours and there is a reason I have had the same clothes for the past few years. I hate my body image and I hate the fact that I am not as commercially attractive as people would like me to be. To fix my imperfections is considered cosmetic, to fix my mentality is considered psychological.

Maybe that is why I am two sided sometimes. I think I am the shit when I am feeling hot and throwing back shots of Jack. Then I spend a good evening at an all you can eat restaurant gorging myself on foods that I would have otherwise avoided eating all together. My benders come and my benders go, but my big tummy, ass and moobs still remain. The gym helps maintain some of the inherent goals that I have at the moment, but I don't know how to get the fix that I need to appear beautiful to the socially norm. Then I would be able to walk by a mirror and see the beauty that is me and bask in the spotlight of a man who is only worthy by how sexy he is. I will have the stamina and assertiveness of a rugged bull strutting my stuff down the street. When I go into a gym and I gawk at another beautiful black man, he'll gawk back at me. I will finally be able to achieve that level of nirvana that common folk such as myself strive their whole lives for. Because we all know, the only way to be truly happy and truely successful is to be beautiful, make sacrifices to keep your body looking like it did when you were 12, eat at only the best establishments, have a fantastic job that pays you what your beauty is worth instead of what your blood and sweat puts out, live in posh homes and neighborhoods and facilitate a lie that makes people respond to you like you are a human being. Because I am not you know, I am not a human being....otherwise I would be important to someone. I wouldn't have to worry the next time I thought someone was beautiful and I vocalized it, because I would have beauty to back me up. I'd be a whole new person.

Yeah right!

Peace!