Big Bang

Who are the rulers of the world? Who are the masters of the universe and of their domain? I ask myself these questions on a daily basis. I am always questioning things that are out of my control. I am hesitant on accepting my place in this world as just another unspecial being. Why am I not special? Why is my fifteen minutes of fame being denied? Why do I care? I mean, I know why I care, because it's human nature to want to be noticed or seen. But seriously, why do I care? I have noticed that when something good starts to happen in my life it is immediately followed by something terrible. It's like the cosmic forces that be are trying to keep me in a spot that my soul doesn't want to be in. It's frustrating! I can work until I am bleeding from my hands and feet, the fates would not show me any mercy. I talked with an older woman who told me that it is a hard life and for me to get used to it. ACCEPT IT! Why should I? Why should I accept THIS life? It's apparent that I can't kill myself for the benefit of ascension, being the Catholic that I am I have a vivid picture of what Hell and Purgatory must be like. I am left in this dimension holding on to my cock every night after six p.m. filling my senses with the only joy that I have that doesn't cost any money. However, solo ambitions rarely satisfy as much as full on interludes with members of the same sex. I also think that I may be at the beginning stages of erectile dysfunction based on the lifestyle I have led in the past and the cigarettes I continue to smoke today.

I need a drink and some downtime for my head to contemplate an escape route. A man asked me what has kept me in Arizona and my response was love. I loved a man or two. Both swore eternal devotion and undying love. Both faltered on each promise and now I am flying solo in a world that is unknown to me and vague. It's like my world existed to be for Jason and Steven, there world was my world and my world was theirs. One died and one cheated. This being "on my own" thing is strange and the only way for my mind to evolve is to get out there and experience things. But I fall back on the last comment I made in a recent entry, money is the cure for all things that ail a man. If you don't believe that money can buy happiness, make a rich man poor and ask him how happy he is after a year of working below poverty and wanting everything that is not within reach. As a rich man to give up all of his money and every luxury that he has ever had and tell me that it [money] doesn't buy happiness. Bullshit it doesn't.

But life is what you make of it, or so I am told. Many would argue that I am in control of my own destiny and that if I want something, if I really want something, I am going to have to work very hard to get it. My argument is this...how much of my youth do I have to sacrifice in order to get the things that I want in my life. How much of the good book do I have to follow in order to show my worth to the physical and spiritual world? How much sweat, pain, heartache, death, depravity and social annexes will I have to endure before I get a piece of the pie. Is that something that is guaranteed to me? A piece of the elusive pie. My place in this world, my contribution to the circle of life. WHAT is mine? If I continue to follow this path that I am on, I will fade into existence as unimportant as the rest of the members in my family. I heard that being gay was probably a genetic way of correcting a biological defect in a bloodline. Some days I have felt like my family, every member, is being weeded out of existence because biology got our genetic makeup wrong. Thanks to new science I am sure there will be an answer for that doubt in my mind someday. We are curious creatures consumed with our mortality and our being. We should just leave alone and just let it be! I am tread of my evolving mind and my growing emptiness, this world has got to throw me a bone soon or I am going to explode.

Peace!