The Winner Takes It All

 Getting to Pasadena Park is no quick chore on a busy weekend. One which I seldom looked forward to when CJ's Pop Warner games were scheduled there. Whenever the schedule came out at the beginning of the season, Jason and I would study it to determine which of us would be available to get him to his practice meets and his subsequent games. In summary, pop warner football is the largest and oldest non-profit youth football, cheerleading, and dance organization in the world. Before Jason's accident and  back surgery, he was heavily involved in coaching our Little Bear (privately) and proudly taking him to his games to cheer him on! Jason was the jock in our family! Don't get me wrong! I was Papa too and I was right there cheering him on as well! But to watch Jason light up when CJ was on the field running plays set up by the volunteer coaches gave my heart so much joy.

"Daddy, we're gonna be late!" CJ could be heard whining from the back of the Honda SUV. He was all deck out in he red, white and gold Pomona Eagles pop warner gear with his clucky looking helmet on his head like a bobblehead. Both he and Hannah secured in their child restraint seats and Jason and I in the front trying to navigate our way through the back roads to the park, intent on avoiding traffic on the highway. I told Jason that I would drive. Since his surgery, he had been slower to move, but insistent that I not treat him like he was helpless.

"Bubba, I am just trying to make sure that you heal properly. You know what the doctor said."

"I know what the fucking doctor said. I fine Christopher."

"Daddy, we going to miss it."

"Baby, Daddy's driving." I yelled back calmly. "We're going to get you there in time."

Hannah stirred in her seat "Papa, I'm thirsty."

I reached down between my legs into the backpack I had packed with drinks and snacks and pulled out a capri-sun. Ideally not the healthiest of drinks, but I was trying to conserve the bottles of water for when we were in the sun. 

"Here you go my love" as I handed her the drink.

"CJ do want anything?" 

"No thank you." he smiled back.

"Bubba?"

"It's okay Baby. we're almost there. The game starts in about 45 minutes."

Jason was a stickler for punctuality. This morning he ran into a bit of a snag when he his back spasmed a bit from the surgery. After his shower, we had to isolate him and make sure he didn't move for a bit in order to make sure that the pain didn't affect his entire day. Sometimes I could see the tears in his eyes from the jolts of pain that shot through him. They caused migraines for him. The small relief he got on days when his doctor gave him injections made some difference. As an observer all I wanted to do was fix my broken husband. But I couldn't look at him as a broken person. I had to keep reminding myself that he was human and flawed. I was flawed and that made me crazy.

Driving under palm trees in the California sunlight, I glanced at him and he looked back at me a smiled.

"What?" he grinned.

"Nothing. How do you think CJ will do today?"

"Little Bear? You gonna crush some skulls!?" he hollered in his Marine baritone hoorah voice.

"HAHAHA yeah Daddy!" CJ laughed.

Little giggles came from Hannah as well.

We pulled into Pasadena Park right on time. Jason parked the Honda SUV and handed me the keys. This was my clue to grab the gear, while he grabbed CJ and headed to the field. I'm not sure why he hands me his keys all of the time. We both have our own set of keys to each others vehicles and the house and businesses. I think later I'd realize this was a memory issue brought on by the medications that he was on for his anxieties, moods, back pains and whatnot. Still, they'd be with me for safekeeping.

I pulled the wagon out of the back of the SUV and made my way to the side to collect Hannah.

"Hello, Punky, my beautiful little girl! Are you ready go cheer on your big brother?"

"Yeah!" she exclaimed, capri-sun still in her hand.

It had been a few weeks since her haircut debacle and her hair was oh so short, but thankfully the hairstylist we took her to was able to salvage it so that she didn't look too odd. It was sweet and adorable, just like she wanted it. (even if the intent was misguided)

"Left put some sunscreen on you first, Babygirl. I don't need you to get a sunburn."

"Is it the stinky kind?" she said playfully.

I rolled my eyes.

"Close your eyes you little stinker!" I sprayed her from head to foot with SPF 50 and made sure that she rubbed it into her hand and ears.

"It is the stinky kind, Papa!" she giggled.

"It smells like coconuts silly girl. Now come on, get in the wagon and lets make our way down to the bleachers."

The field was field with tons of little kids geared up like an army of Roman soldiers. Their parents, some on the sidelines, some sitting in the bleachers, decked out with ray ban sun glasses, tank tops, casual shorts, a ball cap or a bandana. The commotion was ecstatic. You could here the announcer call play by plays, "Pomona Eagles 1st down at the 10. Our Little Bear was considered a Mitey-Mite like most of the other kids in his weight class and age and not yet ready to take on the spotlight of being the pro athlete that he watched on YouTube videos with his Daddy.

It was exciting to watch him. It was exciting to watch Jason cheer him on from down on the field as the Pomona Eagles inched further to the endzone on the field. And from time to time you could hear me yelling "all right CJ keep blocking them, buddy!" As WASP-y parents would sneer back at me with contempt. But I didn't care. That was my baby boy down there too and I was booming with pride with every play!

Half time came and the young cheerleaders filled on to the feild. Hannah and I made our way out to greet CJ and Jason and offer up snacks and refreshments. Keeping in mind not to overdo it so that CJ would get "pukey" under the sun.

"How are you doing, Little Bear?' I asked enthusiastically!

"Papa, I am a big boy now." He shied away a bit embarrassed, but smiling.

"Are you having fun." I repeated.

"Yeah, the other guys can't get break through me!" 

This was the kind of bravado that he picked up from Jason. It made me laugh.

"How are you holding up, Bubba?"

"Do you see him out there? He looks great! He reminds me of me at his age, full of piss and vinegar!"

Jason's grin stretched from ear to ear. 

"We gotta get back to the game! You ready Buddy?" Jason motioned to CJ.

"Mmmhhmm!"

"What do we say!"

"HOO RAH" I heard my Little Bear growl.

Hannah made our way back to the bleachers for the remainder of the game.

Each game that we attended was never really more than an outing to keep us engaged in physical activity which was an important aspect of our children's wellbeing as well as their upbringing. We needed to socialize them with other children in order to nurture a sense of community so that they understood that as a family we were no different than families with a mother and a father. CJ and Hannah just happened to have two loving biological fathers who intended to give them as much normalcy in a world determined to treat them as others. Jason and I would not have that. Our children were not pariahs or test subjects from some lab. They were our beautiful gifts. Jason would hold steadfast to his religious beliefs that they came from his God. I credited science. Either way, they belonged to us and we were sure as hell were not going to let the world devalue them.

So the last play of the game found our team at the end zone ready to make the last play. One could hear the small voice yell hike as the ball lept into the quarterback hand and fumble forward toward the opposing team right in #36 CJ's direction. The crowd suddenly jumping in the air as a wayward ball made its way. I could see Jason mouth "pick it up CJ" and that just he did. 

And on instinct, my little bear ran. 

It was only a few yards. But he ran.

Jason jumped and down with a little ease because the back pain limited his motion, but the pride set in and overrode everything.

CJ made the touchdown!

Hannah and I cheered from our seats! 

"Alright Little Bear!!!" I could be heard screaming! Tears coming from my eyes.

After the game we took the kids to Pizza Hut for a proper dinner, then to Coldstone Creamery for a bit of ice cream. CJ's coaches allowed him to keep the winning football from the game and when we got home we took a family picture in the backyard with silly faces and winning smiles! 

The day had started rough. 

It ended rough too.

Jason's pain returned.

"Lay down Baby. Do you want me to massage you lower back for you?" I asked

His jaw squared "no, i took something for it a bit ago. I should be good in about 15 minutes. I am going to go tuck in the kids."

He kissed me on the lips and made his way to Hannah's room first.

I could hear her giggle as he nuzzled her with butterfly kisses "night, night Daddy." off went her light.

From CJ's room I could hear CJ's continued excitment from the day "I did it Daddy, just like the videos on the computer!"

"You sure did Little Bear! You get some sleep now." He beemed with pride.

"Daddy..."

"Son, you will always be my Little Bear no matter what." he smiled, turned the light low and closed the door  partially.

Back in our bedroom, his eyes met mine. 

"What a day."

"You're telling me." I replied.

"Did you tell the kids goodnight?"

"Yes, Bubba, I did that well before you told me you took your medicine."

"Oh."

"Do you still have my keys?"

"No Baby, I put them on the key hook above the credenza in the hallway."

"Okay."

"Do you need me to help you get changed into anything?"

"No. I think I am just going to take everything off and sleep under the sheets tonight. My back still hurts, but the meds are kicking in. Are you ready for bed?"

"I think so. I am going lay right beside you and read for a bit if that is okay. I want to make sure you get to sleep okay."

"Yeah, that's cool. Hey, did I tell you I love you today?"

"Hmm, I think so, but I like hearing it more than once."

"I love you Baby!"

"I love you too Bubba!"

With the soft glow of the bedside lamp I read my book and listened to the sound of Jason's breathing as he drifted off to sleep. My mind raced with thoughts of the days events. It processed images of the book I was reading. I was also aware of the questions Jason was asking me. Nothing too forgetful, just really simple things almost. I glanced over at him, rolled over on his side, eyes closed and peaceful. I put put my book on the night table, turned off the light, kissed him softly on the lips and closed my eyes and went to sleep myself.