Carving away the layers.

Given the opportunity I am sure that I can make a transition into a normal life again. I am very guarded and cautious on giving my heart to just anyone (even if I give my ass to everyone). I think that sex is an easy way to stay zombified and unaware of recurrent feelings and heartaches. That’s probably why there is an addiction associated with sex, because it is so easy to replace the chemicals coming from sexual release for feelings of love. I don’t love anyone at the moment, but I am sure I can learn to love someone again. It’s all about timing and I think I have let myself be in a bad mood for far too long.

I approach Memorial Day weekend with some heightened trepidation. On one hand I have many things that I would like to do. On the other hand I would rather play hooky from my life and go on a trip somewhere and spend money that I don’t have. I am sure I will make a good choice and find myself having an enjoyable time. I would like to meet someone for lunch and get to know him better. Who knows if that will happen the way I want it to. I remember meeting this man named Mike for dinner one night. We had an enjoyable time, I thought the chemistry went very well and then after the date….nothing. I guess I gave him too much credit for being a man. I also played the self deprecating card by telling myself that I was not good looking enough for him. Hey…I am just a man.

Joan Osbourne is playing on the radio right now. “What if God was one of us…” I remember this song. It was in my hay-day back when I first met Jason. I was such a punk kid. I can’t imagine what he ever saw in me. I look in the mirror and I can see all of my flaws. I can’t see any of those things that he saw in me. My profile looks odd, my jaw looks off and I wish to God that I didn’t have spaces in my teeth. That would make it easier to smile. I have so many photographs of me making silly faces. I’d like to have at least one picture of me with a million dollar smile. I want my own makeover show…haha…I wonder if Oprah would make me feel and look like the man I want to be? Who knows? Quick moments come when Jason’s smile flashes in my head. Quick moments come when a song reminds me of what it was like to be in his world. Quick moments come…and then go. I miss him.

Peace!