Swimming in a sea of extacy.

He awoke in me like a spark. With tiny impulses of electrical charges, he raced through my brain energizing my synapses with his smile. I could feel my eyeballs dance around in the back of my eye sockets as I floated in my slumber. Rhythmatic fluttering pushed against the backs of my eyelids while I captured the last seconds of R.E.M. sleep. I could see him smiling from a distance and in a brief moment I recognized who he was. How I have missed seeing that smile. How I have missed seeing my reflection in his gaze. The vision of the man he used to be, paired up with the reality of the man I knew him to become, made me scared for him and happy at the same time.

It wasn’t unlike the visions I have had of him in the past. He is still holding hands with some other man that isn’t me. I am still trying to catch him or get his attention to tell him something incredible. I have always wondered why my brain denies me the little pleasures of having him. There are few times when I actually have him all to myself and I relish the sensations my body gets when he holds me in his arms. He is still a part of my makeup and a part of my body and soul. I touched him and felt his nakedness against mine. I felt our love as it had been when we first met. It was energetic and it was alive. Sadly, I realized who he was and where I was and I raced to warn him that he would be dead by the time I woke up.

I have these moments when I realize exactly what is and what isn’t. And in my dreams I wish that I could make what has happened not happen so I can keep the things in my life that make me happy. I think wishes are what make us human. I told him many times that he was going to die, but he was just a fragment in my mind and his reality was what was created in my head. I would still wake up, rub my eyes and feel the ache in my heart for the loss of my only desire. Then I would spend the rest of the day recalling how special I felt to be visited by his spirit in my dreams. Although, I wish I could stay in the dream…and with him…for eternity.

Peace!