If it's QUEER, it will probably lie to you...

If it's QUEER, it will probably lie to you...
Frustrated
I Like You - Morrissey

I find that men seldom say what they mean. I am no different than my brethren. I want to tell other men exactly how I burn inside. I want to show them all of the good and all of the bad that make up my self. I want to express how I feel when I am speaking to them. But I seldom say what I mean. My species has fallen victim to betrayal and deceit. The moment our backs are turned the knives fly and the gossip begins. I am a selfish bugger! I am a selfish fucking little bugger! But I have a dick and that makes me supreme. ;) I can't be concerned with why a man won't tell me what he thinks, I was never good with reciprocation! LOL

The relevance of the first paragraph and the message that I wish to convey are conflicting. A man will tell you want you want to hear if he thinks he can get something in return. A gay man will promise fidelity from two thousand miles away and turn around and compromise his heart all for the sake of getting off. A gay man will hide under the blanket of bisexuality in order to deny his heart of true happiness. A gay man will use his beauty as a comparison on how love should be measured and he will justify it by only dating other beautiful gay men, knowing full well that beauty does not guarantee monogamy or truth. Beauty is the most of any mask the Devil wears. A gay man will satisfy his lust and call it love purely out of selfishness, instead of getting to know another man on a level different that sex. Gay men are stupid, they are snobs and they have little impact on the world. Their social contributions thus far are caddy decorating tips, ignorant fashion advice, diluted long term marriage proposals, objectifying festivals and parades, plague, viscous artwork and hatred of their own kind. The gay community runs rampant with bigots, racists, faggots, abusers, drug users, idolizers, disgusting fecal and piss pig fuckers, homophobes and narcissists.

I am sure I won't be winning any praise for bastardizing the gay male community as a whole. There are those gay men out there who will say "we lead normal productive lives. We go to church and believe in God. Monogamy is what we strive for. We just want our equal rights." I find it hard to believe this pattern of thinking. It's far fetched an unrealistic. The men who taut these cries find themselves in the same cesspool they fight to separate from eventually. Those who realize it will be better off in the long run. Those who live in denial will only have misery and false hope to look forward to.

This is a weird entry. My destructive tendencies become visible when I am feeling bitter and enraged. I was reading another man blog and it reminded me of patterns that Jason used to have when he was alive. Jason knew I loved him. I knew he loved me. For thirteen years he and I shared some of the most intimate moments. He expressed things to me that only a lover would, things you tell only to someone that you would wish to share your life with. We spent eight years going back and fourth about the possibility or the definition of our relationship. In those years he met many other men, some more boys than men, but he tortured himself trying to fill an ideal and he denied me giving him everything he wanted. He denied me everything because I didn't fit the package that was in his head, I didn't fit the race that was in his head. I did not submit to his ideal of submission because I did not believe another man should have more power over another man. He denied me one small part of himself because he thought that eventually he would find perfection. He never knew it was staring him in the face the whole time. I mean, he did realize that I was the best thing for him later on down the road. When I was with Steven he told me that as long as I was happy that he would respect my decisions until I told him otherwise. Two weeks before he died, when Steven and I were at the end of our relationship, Jason called me and he told me to come back to him. He told me to be with him, to pick him. But I was blinded by false hope that the love that I took six years working on, nurturing and building would prevail and Steven would not turn out to be the fuck up he turned out to be. Instead, Steven left me for a juvenile and Jason died two weeks later. Do I believe that I could have saved him if I had just gone to him...I dunno? I won't ever know. And of course, Jason died of a broken heart. Someday I will too.

Anyway, the blog I read was from this beautiful man. He goes on and on about how he loves and doesn't receive the kind of love he wants in return. He talks of men who say they love him and how two weeks later those men are out chasing other cocks. He talks about how he gives all of himself, granted in very short periods of time, to these men and he always winds up broken hearted. I've read his blog a few times and I have found the similarities between him and my dearly departed and I shake my head. Men like this are always out there searching for these types that always seem to break their hearts. When they find someone who is caring, sensitive and compassionate, they discard it in hopes of finding a man who will degrade him, betray him and manipulate him. Men like this never gather that beauty is only skin deep and that eventually, with time, looks will fade. These men swear off love until the next piece of ass comes into view and the cycle repeats itself. Of course, when they're broken hearted, they want everyone to know. They care very little for the broken hearted that they have created. I know, some will say that I am just fowl and bitter. Some will say that I am just an ugly man who should realize that I should only go for men on my own level...whatever that is. Other men will say that I fall into the same pattern for denying men that I am not attracted to. (I will admit to this, some men I am not attracted to, but most of the time it has little to do with physical beauty and more to do with personality.) These men claim to have hearts, but they are selective as to whom they share it with. Men like me are hard to find and yet men like me spend our entire lives under the microscope of these other men who believe that love comes in a package. Love is invisible, without form and not something you can posses. Lust has a picture. Lust focuses on satisfaction. Lust makes the loins quiver, not love. Love burns! It takes years to build upon it. And love doesn't come for free, sometimes you have to work on it. Love definitely doesn't care how big your muscles are, how chiseled your jaw line is, how much money you have, how many things you own, what gym you belong to, how many parties you attend or how well educated you are. Love just is...and it shouldn't have a face.

Life must suck when you're beautiful and everyone loves you!

Peace!