My Blue Heaven

 I have a dirty mind. The problem with having a dirty mind is that I am constantly thinking about ways to get fucked and who I can get fucked by and I cannot express myself in any manner that would suggest that I have these needs and desires. I know that there are times when I will have to be among the living and do things that productive people do, but I can't be expressive when it comes to the lustful thoughts that flood my head. The other problem is that I do not look like a pretty boy, or a hunky man, I wouldn't even categorize myself as an average everyday guy. I am ugly. I have spaces in my teeth, my jaw is off center and I have an overbite. I am super fat. And I like to bottom for sex. In a cesspool of gay men, I am not the ideal candidate to have sex with. Sure, there are those men that don't mind a fatty sucking and fucking their dick. They are the guys who don't need a connection or they have a fetish. So I am stuck with very limited options when it comes to getting off. I either use porn or I hook up with a sketchy dude in some weird place and hope that I don't wind up on the 6 o'clock news as a victim or a suspect in a lewd act behind some building.

There is a common theme to all this madness that runs through my head all the time that echoes "no one owes me anything". Which rings true for almost everybody unless you happen to be beautiful. When you are pretty, the world is at your disposal. Sure, you can dumb, but if you are attractive folks overlook it. That is not to say that stupid pretty people have it better than I do, but they certainly benefit from their looks more than I ever will. And if beauty is in the eye of the beholder, all of those beholden men are certainly looking another way. When they look at me, I am just another face in the crowd. Even if they exclaim that they do not have biases, deep down, we all have them. I become one of those men who doom-scrolls gay hook up apps and overlook the fat guys, or the guys with the weird hair patterns. Sometimes I will even overlook the ones who picture effeminately or any number of misogynistic biases that I use to determine what will and will not get me off. I try to think of the person as a person, but some people don't always do it for me. I would never say that to hurt someone's feelings and I would let them know that whatever it is that they got isn't doing it for me. I don't like confrontation. And sex should really be about having a good time.

So why am I not having any sex? 

I am in a new place and those things that I used to do when I was in a comfortable place are no longer available. I no longer have my own space. I have no idea where to go or what to do when it comes to meeting someone off the mark for a quick spit and thrust. Also, I have gotten older and wiser to the ways of men who wish to be anonymous for the sake of posterity. I don't deal well with one night stands and men who like to play on the downlow. I like a connection. I liked having someone that I could regularly reach out to and ask "do you want to fuck". I am also afraid of casual hookups in an environment where gay men are being stalked, assaulted, and sometimes murdered. The gay apps that make men available to other men, don't always have a warning button when "john the psycho" is out there waving his dick around. I mean come on, when you are hungry you won't pass up a free meal.

Being classified as "hungry, thirsty, or desperate" is such a disrespectful way of telling someone off as well. Time after time I understand that when I am on a hook-up app, that I can be somewhat "trolling for sex" without even meaning to be. There are those who use the app once, twice, a few times a month in order to get their rocks off. I am not one of those guys, as I use the apps to find connections. To reach out to like minded individuals who are not really looking to get off, but who could be in the mood when the right time presents itself. Of course, there is never a right time when it comes to being a bottom. When someone wants to fuck me right away, I have to let them know that there are preparations to adhere to first. That always leads to a ghosting or a long and drawn out back and forth about why I am on a hookup site to begin with. Like I mentioned before, it isn't always about the sex....even if that is my primary motive for getting on a fuck site.

I just can't be aggressive or pornographic. Most times I think these thoughts that are so unrealistic when it comes to my sexual tastes. I blame it all on gay porn. I too would like to be double penetrated by men with large cocks. Or be the only bottom in an orgy of well endowed top men, satisfying each and everyone of them until completion. I would like to have sex outdoors, or in a swimming pool, somewhere in a bathroom, or at the top of a grand hotel. I like dirty talk. I like having my ass spanked when I am getting fucked and my mouth stuffed when I am trying to breath. I like these things because porn has given me this illusion that my dirtiest thoughts could maybe happen if I found the right person (or groups of people). But once again, I run into obstacles that remind me that I am not a porn star. I am not beautiful or someone that other men lust after. I am not in my twenties anymore and the thought of round and round sex might sound a lot of fun, there is only so much in and out that my body is willing to accept. I would get so tired. 

So I am left with my own devices and my own way of expressing myself to no one when it comes to sexuality and sex and dating and whatnot. I am a sexual being. To others, I am a sexless eunuch that can be scrolled over and ignored because there is always going to be a hundred other pretty faces out there to do the job. There is no point of having friends with benefits or casual hookups anymore and it could be time for me to accept my fate in the world. I mean, it is easier than exercise and plastic surgery. It seems those things are what I really need in order to land a man. Or maybe I just need to lower my guard down and get what I can get. Every wolf suffers fleas. 'Tis easy enough to scratch!