Yars of Shay

 I toy with the idea of giving up quite frequently. It's a mind game that I go through where I try to convince myself that if I don't get enough validation in life, then it isn't worth going through the long haul. Scary as the alternative is, the prospect of not knowing and nothingness is far more intriguing that the idea of daily anxiety and constant worry. It is frustrating to be the kind of person who is always inside his own head. For one day, a birthday, I am a collective thought of all of those around me who want to see me thrive and happy. In the days that follow, the special feeling wears off, and the anticipation of turning another year older looms on the horizon. Will I ever be what I am meant to be? 

It is tiring. I want to prove to myself that whatever it is, no matter how difficult or easy, whatever it is....is worth holding out for. I hate my forked tongue that has nothing more to do in the waking world than spread vitriol and speak ill of people when I know that I should not be expecting other people to share the same kind of life experiences that I have had. Choices, consequences, random outcomes and goals, all of these things that make up an existence (however brief or drawn out) are different and I should not expect anything more. I wonder how much I am purposely inflicting on myself by drawing criticism of others instead of focusing the light of living on myself? 

A constant battle of conflicting thoughts keeps my left side, right side table tennis of emotions going like the ebb and flow of the ocean tides. I admired Catholic priests at one point in my life because they were able to take a vow of silence in order to become one with their deity.  I have never been that committed or pious and all I have really ever wanted was to associate and exist with others in a silent way. We surround ourselves with constant communication and rarely ever find a way to commune with nature. I would enjoy nothing more than being able to hear the trees whisper and speak amongst the wind. Maybe it would be nice to feel the grass under my feet and marvel at how the earth moves from core to crest. If my energy finds the synapses in the molecular buildup of the planet, how wonderful would it feel to spin carelessly into the vacuum of space around a star? I would give up everything for that nirvana.

But...

I am a living avatar, playing out life through the lenses of consciousness. In reality, I am forced to pay bills, work a 40 hour work week, and get myself through ever damn tribulation that is presented to me, because hey, fuck it, right? We just have to do what we have to do and if I think that there is anything else that life has to offer, well then, I just have to work harder for it and shut the fuck up. Bitching and moaning about it hasn't done anyone any good for the entirety of human existence. I am not like the little prince, stuck on a giant floating rock in the middle of nowhere. I am a piece of the conscious collective, those who ponder, wondering what in the fuck I am supposed to do. And guidance has told me to go here, or stay there, and follow my zen....whatever the fuck that means. All I am certain of is that I am exhausted. And I toy with the idea of giving up, frequently. There is always a mess for someone to clean up afterwards anyway, so I guess I will have to keep on trucking. It's not like I have that much to give to someone else.