Who has time for that?

When it comes to the ever growing annoyances that are floating in my head, the one main thing that seems to trigger me every day is time. Time is a son of a bitch that can drag when I am somewhere that I do not want to be or it can be fleeting when I am doing the things that bring me joy. Time is hardly ever fair, or cognizant of my existence for that matter, and what it tends to do with my day to day leaves me feeling exhausted and exasperated, wishing that I had just a little bit more time. It's plentiful bounties are blessed on some. Those folks who can live their day to day with harmonious balance. Those who plan their time accordingly and who are always enjoying their time off, time with friends, or much needed relax time. They are benefitted with unlimited time. Folks like me, on the other hand, we measure out our time. Plan from paycheck to paycheck and hope that we make the deadline in time. We plan time for our health and hope that insurance companies will see to it that much needed procedures are covered. We plan to make it through another day without allowing dark and depressive thoughts entertain our subconscious and hope that the pills we take will give us more time to be better, productive, functioning adults. We live in a time where time is our Master. We are the folks struggling to find common ground with time in which to be alive and to maintain a livelihood in order to keep up with society. Time keeps on ticking. Arbitrarily. It waits for no man. Time answers to no one. And we can't get enough of it.

I hate having my time wasted by others. This is where I get fucked up about wanting myself out of others. Somehow I have this understanding that if I behave the way others want me to behave, then they will value my time and want to be part of my life. I am available too often. Yet, I am afforded no guarantee of others time when I want it. To be clear, I am not demanding time from others to be focused solely on my wants and needs. What I desire is the same respect that I afford to others when I am giving them my attention and patience. The time that is necessary to acknowledge and reciprocate is not as extreme as some would make it out to be. Yet, with every casual mistake or misunderstanding, folks everywhere have the same excuse "I just didn't have the time." I hate that I am not busy enough to be able to not be available to anyone at the drop of a hat. It's miserable to exist as some kind of place filler for whatever kind and know that the only thing that I am really waiting for is my end of time. My final seconds of breath will bring nothing but the folks who wished that I had more time for them or wish that they had found more time to spend with me. It's a catch 22. Damned if you do, damned if your don't.

For this, I spend an awful lot of time on my own. Not necessarily anywhere specific, but definitely on my own with thoughts in my head that shout "just do whatever you want and maybe someone will want to be included someday". I mean, isn't it up to them to find the time anyway? I try to listen to that rational voice inside my head that says "you don't know what others are going through and how they are trying to manage their time" and I agree whole-heartedly with that voice, because no one owes me anything. Especially their time. I can't expect anything from anyone else and I can't force people to want to do the things that I want to do while we are enjoying time together. It is unrealistic to think that I matter on any level in their lives when I am, if anything, a speck of a afterthought in their day to day. Their time is their time and my time is mine. I can wait for a message to appear on my phone. I can wait for someone to give me a call. I can dream about places that I want to see and hope that someone would want to see them as well. I can wonder what it is like to be free of time. I can start doing things my own way and stop worrying about whether or not I am able to give others the same time that they could never give me. It feels manipulative. Almost petulant. But if I am owed nothing, then I owe the same in return. I can live how I want to live life in the time I have left and I can make sure that whatever I experience is written down as to record the life that no one had time to share with. Like Lizzo sings "it's about damn time" and I really think that I need to explore the things that bring me peace. 

Until next time.