Don't Shoot Shotgun

I have had my heart broken hundreds of times. I've listened to people who say one thing and turn around and do something else. I would get my hopes up and fantasize about finally getting live out my dreams with my special person, my ride or die, only to have everything come crashing down when something or someone else changed their mind. Men have not always been kind to me. And women have also been tricky to deal with as well. I have thought about all of the times that I have needed my friendships and they were not there for me. I have wondered why I tried to nurture some friendships when I knew that the friends I wanted weren't returning the same energy to have me in their lives. I confided secrets with them. Cried about things that seemed so important and significant at the time, I mean, I was sure that I was building something sound with another soul. Turns out, I was just building a mystery. I have yet to figure people out.

Men like to say things to keep up with the status quo. Straight white men, those who do not identify with the mainstream populace and have friends in the LGBTQIA community, tend to blur the lines of sexuality and ambiguity in order to find a place at our table. It is frustrating. I don't expect these men to want the same meal that I am having, but I would like it if the craved it and felt the need to snack on it from time to time. Simply put, if you are not going to indulge in the community, then there is no need to identify with one of the many markers or plus, plus, plus (+++) sub-groups in order to find validation. I know it sounds careless and selfish of gay men and women to ask that of these people, but it's also not fair to make a claim for validation if you are only doing it for street cred's.

I have know men like this. All of their lives they have spent dating women and exploring those options with heterosexual conquests, in order to fulfill societal expectations. They meet a gay man, maybe flirt a little and say something like "I'm pansexual or I'm demisexual" as a way to show that they are not "that guy", but they turn into that guy the moment some interest presents itself for any real queer experiences. It sucks. No one man has ever really owed me anything more than a simple hello, if that. I am not suggesting that they were ever required to offer me their sex or intimacy. My understanding was that my acceptance of their identity was ironclad in forging a unique friendship in which we could exchange thoughts, feelings, and experiences. In the age of ghosting, none of those exchanges ever come to fruition. 

I don't wear my sexuality on my sleeve, but it is a big part of who I am. My sexuality doesn't always determine my sex (not gender, more so the act) so it confuses me as I get older. I wonder if people (men and women) look at me and think of me as a sexless object? I never had sexual attention when I was younger and in high school. Teenagers with raging hormones seemed to have other interests that did not involve me. I often wonder if people even see me when they look at me or if they don't see anything at all. Like, they can hear me, but I am just a blur when they try to focus on how I look. 

I have always been poor white trash. I have a fucked up grill and I do not smile because of it. Ever since my late 20's and 30's I have put on more weight than I ever thought I would actually allow. It changes me and how I see myself, and it makes me wonder if this is how folks have always seen me from the beginning. I am nothing like the boys in the magazines, but I have always thought I was worth giving a shot when it comes to dating or being romantic. A lot of people second guess me when something better comes along I guess. I have never been sure about anything except that no one really sticks around and men who say nice things to me, really only want someone to give their fleeting attention to. It is amazing how quickly people can go from "I need this" to "now you're just somebody that I used to know".

I keep trying though. Even if they say "that dog won't hunt", I put in the work and browse the apps and social media outlets looking for someone to give my all to, in hopes of getting that one person who cares. I still feel invisible. I still feel unloved and looked over. If I were a piece of produce, I would be rotting in a landfill by now. I go in circles, just hoping that if I go fast enough, I will catch my own tail and be done with the rat race. Maybe one day I will find a reason to say "fuck it all" and head for the hills and live the life of a miser or a hermit.