Special, mmm'k?

I like to plan things. 

I love to think about how someone will react when I do something nice for them. It gives me a special feeling. "Maybe I have created a memory?" "Maybe he'll be grateful that I went through all this trouble to find that one special thing?" "Maybe she'll call more often, if I show her how important she is to me?" Trivial things, ya know. I plan these things so that I can feel good inside for doing something for someone else, even if there are no real strings attached. I am not out here chasing clout. It's just one of those things that I can do to give myself a bit of an ego boost.

But there is a downside.

For all the surprise birthday parties, special cakes, holidays with days spent looking for the right gift, Mothers/Fathers day breakfasts/lunches/dinners/trips planned, random day out to the zoo or park, special dinner for a special someone, etc....the effort I put into making someone feel special had never quite been fully reciprocated. Even when I think that someone is doing something nice for me, to see how joyful I can be at experiencing whatever it is that has been planned, the experience has only ever been one sided. My joy, and disappointment, are combined, because the "surprise" intended for me was never really about making me happy. The "surprise" was never intended on being shared or experienced with anyone and depended solely on my experience to navigate through my own emotional reaction to whatever was being presented to me.

I sound pretty selfish, I know. Lot's of people in the world would love to have the kind of problems that I talk about. I know many independent people who make themselves happy and do things for themselves, because it is easier that way. Their disappointment is overridden by self-fulfillment and they don't have to exercise that uncomfortable emotional connection with others who don't quite get what they are all about. I don't think I am that complicated. I am not that simple either, but I am not a fucking jigsaw puzzle. I think about all of the times I have planned out things for others. The time and effort that I put into making sure that I got/get almost every single detail right, makes my head spin. It's not the wasted time that I think of, it is the lukewarm or half-hearted spirit that comes from the recipient or group, once the plan has been put into motion. "I did something nice for you, but you still don't notice me."

I mean sure, you might notice my intentions and when the next big thing comes around you may message me or call me on the phone to ask if I would like to help you out with something....for someone else. It's never a real quid pro quo, because in the end, I make all the plans and commit a follow through. Rough as it may be, I see it through to the end, because I know the disappointment that lies at the end if nothing materializes. Because people are horrible and will make the bare minimum sacrifice at making someone else happy, as long as they get all of the credit or thought. Years down the line, after I am gone, they may even recall that I was there in the background even if they don't recall what it was that I did. It's not a fixture that will weigh heavy on them like it does with me. They will not rejoice in the spirit in which my energy was given.

And I blame birthdays for my shortcomings. 

I remember when I was in 7th grade. My first year of junior high was kind of odd. I went to school with most of the kids in the neighborhood who hated me. I didn't come from money, and I always had odd clothes. Maybe I smelled funny, or my smile wasn't perfect becase I have gaps in my teeth. But I always had a sense of what things were. My birthday being in Spetember, I couldn't wait until I had a proper big kid birthday. I think the only thing that I ever really wanted at that time was a boom box and a birthday party. What I got was a "sorry kid, I don't have anything to get you a present or a cake, but happy birthday anyway" and that kind of stuck with me as I got older. "Sorry kid, here's what I can give you....it isn't much, but it is what I have" and I don't mean to seem ungrateful, because adults do what they can when they can. I grew up in a different time. Even being celebrated in school meant something different. Like I said, I went to school with the kids in my neighborhood who didn't like me. There were no birthday banners or surprise best friend presents. It was just me, getting through the day without having to tell/remind someone that it was my birthday. I guess that stuck with me through the years.

I planned out my own 30th birthday. 

I wanted to have a masquerade ball with all of my friends and tons of food. My partner at the time really didn't have an idea of how to throw the entire thing together, so most of the planning fell on me. I sent out invitations. Told everyone to come in costume. 4 of my friends and I planned out and cooked an entire menu of Cajun/Creole food and desserts. And when the time came, I enjoyed a big party. THat I planned. For myself. A week later, I found out that my partner had been committing some kind of bank fraud and both of our bank accounts had been frozen. When I asked him why he did what he did, he said "well, you wanted to have a big party". He threw it back at me and made me feel like I asked for something so big, his only contribution was to commit fraud so that I could have it. What a fucking chump!

I don't ask for things anymore.

And I know a guy who says that he doesn't mind doing things for me, or giving me things, or buying me things, or taking me to places, because he says that everyone should experience those things in their life. But he does them without any real connection to how they make me feel. And if he feels that I am getting too caught up in my feelings, then he pulls back. The misinterpreted love/affection is replaced by silence and inattention. I am left feeling inadequate and I retreat into my zone wondering what my next move will be. It is a frustrating dance. I am 45 (going on 46) and I am still getting my feelings hurt because folks don't seem to want to invest in getting to know me. Some will claim that they know me, but they don't really know me.

And it's not like I haven't ever left a trail of breadcrumbs for people to follow to get to know me.

Being blunt and honest gets you to the point. But it also goes unnoticed. Leaving a trail only works for those who want to follow. And if I were more than I am or I shined brighter than I have been....they just might see me and hold me to a higher regard than they have in the past. I might be relegated to someone of special distinction instead of "that guy over there". They know that when they call, I am most likely going to answer. They know that I will volunteer my time, if needed, to help them out of a jam. They know that I can listen and communicate with them when all they need is a shoulder to cry on. They know that I make myself available in order to be a better person to them. However that is defined. 

I just want to be surprised.

I don't want to be shocked.

But it would be nice to feel loved.

To have someone take a moment and see the things that interest me and turn them into something special for me.

It would be nice to have someone come up to me and hug me and tell me that my existence makes them happy in the world. 

I don't know how to feel special when all I have ever done is tried to make everyone else feel special once or twice in their life.

I thought I would grow out of it and stop wanting to have someone make me feel like I am the only man in the world. 

Turns out, I'm just not that special.