i remember (02262011)

 i remember 

 ...i was so pissed that night. i was feeling so much jealousy deep inside my chest, because he wasn't giving me what i wanted. i always wanted everything from him, even at a young age when i couldn't understand what limits human emotions had on each other.  i wanted more from him. he gave me signs that may have been misinterpreted signals and i followed him like a lost puppy. i craved his attention so much that when he gave it away to other random men, i felt burned. it was never like betrayl, just this burning sensation that i'm sure, to date, has caused some ulcers in my stomach. but that night, i was just so pissed off and bent with jealousy, i couldn't stand to be around him. at the time, we were living with my mom and my sisters and my sister's kids in this very small trailer and it always seemed that tensions ran high. in order to make sure that my tension was relieved, i did what i always did when i wanted to escape, i dolled up to go out. i was always going out to afterhours clubs then. i could lose myself in sea of writhing bodies and pulsating bass beats while letting go of the things that were troubling me for a bit. i put on my best boots, put on my favorite jeans that showed off my ass and i put on a wife beater with a loose flannel over it. as i was getting ready, he asked me "where are you going?' and i said "you've got plans, i'm going dancing." i could see that look in his eye. the look that said "why? why would you leave me here alone to go have fun?" and my only response was to bat an eye and continue to get ready. we were both couped up in my room which was the back room in the house. we continued to make casual conversation until i was satisfied with how i looked and i said "ok" and i made my way for the door. i remember how he grabbed me, gently he grabbed my wrist from where he was sitting on the bed. he pulled himself up and slid his other hand around my waist from behind. he was behind me and he turned me around. face to face he asked me "where are you going?" i felt weak in his embrace i looked into his eyes and the look that reflected back on me was of longing. "i told you that i am going out." i said. to which he replied "not without me" and he moved into me. i remember his lips touching mine, his force pulling me into him. i remember that in that moment the world stopped moving as he and i shared the most beautifully intense first kiss that I could ever imagine. fireworks went off, bells rang, i could feel the heat between our bodies rising as this kiss lasted a few minutes but seemed to go on for an eternity. i remember his kiss and how when he pulled away from me, the look in his eyes changed from longing to someone who had been found. i found him just as he had found me.  our first kiss that night proved it. during our short relationship with each other we recalled that first kiss every chance we could. i could see how it warmed him. he could tell how it put me above all others. and when he died, i knew that i would never have that again. that spark. that awesome feeling of lust mixed with everything that i felt was true in my heart. i'd never really feel that again...