Sunday Afternoon

loneliness is such a poison. I try to surround myself everyday with people and things that I think will make the loneliness subside. It gets locked away, and though it may not be visible...it's always there. Whether by action or inaction....the emptiness and solitude...and invisibility, they all contribute to the loneliness. It reoccurs on a daily basis and it drags me into a darkness that I have a hard time escaping from. It's a drama all inside of my head that makes me feel inadequate and unworthy of human kindness. Love is all around, but love has a cost. I have the world at my fingertips and communication available. But missed calls, late texts, unanswered voicemails, interrupted conversations that end abruptly when someone else comes around...these are the realities that I deal with daily. They've pushed me into being introverted. I loathe it and I can't expect anyone else to rescue me from the insanity because everyone has their own insanity that they are trying despreratly to control.  I mean everyone has problems right? Money doesn't buy happiness right? You have to fight your own battles right? I am so tired of fighting to be me and always coming up against roadblocks. I am told that these roadblocks are intended to help or promote change. I am really tired of changing. Whenever I think I am becoming the person I want to be, choas sends a wave of disturbances to challenge my fortitude. It makes me weak and I wonder how much longer that I can do it all on my own. I feel like there could be support if I wanted it, but ultimately it is up to me to find the kind of help that I want. But I am old, uninteresting, unimpressive, and unmotivated. So far my weight loss journey has been effective, but curbing loneliness is still a carrot tied at the end of a string hanging from a long stick. Just out of my reach. I feel the disappointed looks when I fail myself. Feel the heat radiating from trainers who disapprove of my attempts to be cordial and brush me off as another fat guy pissing his money away. And I think that they are right. I mean sort of because it isn't their fault when I don't succeed in meeting my goals. It is mine solely.