Sentimental Gentleman

I often feel like an outcast. My social interactions with people leave me feeling like one of those Sim video game characters. I am sure most of you are not familiar with the characters, or their association with one another, but when one Sim meets another Sim and the meeting is not beneficial, the other Sim gives a grumbled displeasure sound. It's a negative effect. It's an effect that I feel with a great majority of the folks I meet on a regular basis. My humor is different than their humor. My stories are different than their stories. My experiences are different than their experiences. My life is different than their life. Yet, I still keep trying to find validation from folks who I don't share common interests with. Call it a personality flaw, I really want people to like me for me; sharp edges and all. I am left wondering if folks see a part of me that I show them and decide that I am not worth the time and effort. I mean, what am I worth to others if I am only taking up space.

I have taken to being more vocal about things lately. I mostly do it when I feel like I am not being seen or heard, and believe it or not....I am definitely not being seen or heard. How that makes me feel is upsetting, because I am a very social person. I crave the attention of others and I enjoy interacting with others in a fun relatable way. I get caught up in my feelings and it makes me wonder why I am (or feel) singled out. It's an odd road to travel on when the folks to the left and the right leave the path as soon as you become visible. I have seen this happen, walk into a room where folks have been laughing and having a good time for hours, and watch it clear out in a matter of minutes with your presence. The kicker is watching that room fill back up the moment that you leave. Sure, it could be considered coincidence, but it happens more often than not. It kills my soul a little when it happens.

Which gets me to thinking and feeling, again. Am I a horrible person to be around? It's not hard to suggest that my openness about most subjects and/or my sarcastic/judgmental humor puts people off. For the most part, I think that I know my audience. Some days I get it wrong though and there is nothing in the world that can make me think "well this is going to be an interesting day" when I am stuck with a bunch of vapid clowns. And I am craving their validation!!! Like a clown. There are days when the light in my head is dimmed and I am thinking about all of the things that I could be in order for people to like/accept me for the person that I am. I wish I believed in a god, but I am an atheist. I wish that I had a wife and children, but I am gay. I wish that I liked sports and I wish I was competitive, but I love art and could care less who wins. There are societal conditions that take so many factors and place them on each of us living beings and condition us to be part of the heard or left to fend for yourself. Some days I do good on my own. Some days I want to belong. I just can't help feeling that I don't/can't belong ever....in any situation...at any time. It blows my mind and it is super exhausting.

And I am left with advice from the ones closest to me who say "you just need to find your own tribe". To be honest, I don't think that my tribe exists My writing doesn't seem to impress folks when I share it. My singing doesn't seem to impress folks when I do it. My sex is not good enough to entice a man to stick around long enough to want more of it. And I am just beating myself up over and over again every day for all of my faults like some crazed teenager with emotional problems. I get it...we are all on the same path and feel the same way almost all of the time. But really....does everyone? If you have someone....you have someone, and yes I know you can be just as alone when you are with someone or with a group of people. It's just I don't know how it feels to have that connection to a tribe. Vexed or not, whining and crying like a fool won't ever get me anywhere. I could stand out in a way that makes folks remember me in a good way, but I feel like folks look through me an dignore my personality.

I can't help other people and how shitty they are. I just wish I knew nicer people who related to the things that I relate to. I wish they didn't monopolize conversations or try to one up me at every turn. I wish they saw me for something more than filler.