If I Were

There is a certain stigma that some folks wear that they can't shake, regardless of the amount of times they try to polish themselves or turn over a new leaf. Some folks are just not likable and it shows in the way we treat one another in society. To most, you will never be enough. To some, you'll be everything. To everyone else, you're just another warm body filling space.

I am not the kind of person that lights up a room when I walk in the door. I don't turn heads when I am out in public. My smile is not the kind of smile that brightens up the day. And no matter how much I want to be liked/loved by other people, I am not the kind of man that people want to be around. You see, I read body language and unspoken actions. I notice that when I go into a crowded room that people have occupied for hours, the room tends to empty. I have also observed that in the same room, when I have been with people who have been completely silent for long periods of time, they light up and begin conversations when someone else enters the room. It may not be a conscious thing that they are doing, but they do it.

And whispers....

Some folks don't want you to hear the conversations that they are having, but will say certain things loud enough so that you can actually make out that they are talking about you....but not giving you enough to understand why.

I have heard all of the justifications and arguments for why I should or shouldn't care. I like the logic of not caring about what other people think of me, but it also hurts that I am not the kind of outgoing, likable, go-to, wonderful friend that most people think of when my name springs to mind. There are no amounts of:

"If only you were more pleasant."
"If only you put yourself out there."
"If only you looked a certain way."
"If only you belonged to a particular group."
"If only you acted normal."
"If only you weren't poor."
"If only you had something to contribute to society."
"If only you were straight, married, and had a family."
"If only you were good enough."
"If only you were just like everyone else."

ans so on....and so on....and so on.....

I'm plagued with reasons why I don't fit in. I don't know why I always feel like I am an outsider. I see things and I hear things the same way others do. I am warm and compassionate. When given the opportunity, I express myself in a very courteous way and I do my best not to offend anyone. Still, I will never be picked first, or at all, to be on someones team. I won't ever be the reason someone says "if it hadn't been for this guy" and at the end of the day...at the end of my life, I won't be the man that folks remember. If I were anything they wanted me to be, instead of myself, then I would probably die with cherished loved ones and faithful friends by my side. I just don't think that kind of thing will ever be in the cards for me.