The Light

I am worth more than I ever give myself credit for. I am the kind of guy who would give anything to have the kind of life that I dream about, but I lack the courage or discipline to reach out and get it. Which is what makes being sarcastic and negative so much easier than accountability. I have never had a passion to work for the things that I have wanted and over the years it has made....let's say turned actually....me into a person that I don't even like being around. I like being sullen and finding comfort in cool dark spaces. But the older I get, the more I want to see myself in the light.

There are so many things that I am envious of that I know that I could have, I could be, or I could experience, if only I took an interest in them and stopped being so hesitant on making a decision. Life presents so many obstacles. One day I am figuring out how to stay afloat with the earnings I make. One day I am enjoying a leisurely drive to another state just because I can. The hardest balance though is trying to do this alone. Which is not something that I like doing, because I am a social person. I enjoy talking to people and experiencing things. Unfortunately I have had to re-wire my brain to understand that doing things as a "party of one" isn't really that terrible. When I see folks having a good time, I have to remind myself that their joy may be a facade and I might be reading too much into it.

Social media is a devil though. It is a place that has been keeping me imprisoned for the better part of 11 years.  Whenever I see someone sharing a clip of a fantastic day, all I wanna do is tear up. I have watched people that I love get in and out of relationships. Every time I see an invite to share in social events I am reminded that I don't have someone by my side to enjoy them with. So my envy grows deeper and darker. And I have let it cage me in the confines of my own torment. The festering and resentment of not having something fun and exciting in my life finally built up into a moment where I said "I've had enough".

I have had enough. Yes, my depression hits me. But I have had enough. Yes, it is lonely being a party of one. And I have had enough. It is absolutely tiring being full of hurt, resentment, envy, anguish and pain. I have had enough.

There is a big world around me, and for what it is worth, I am going to try to capture a bit of it. Even if it is a little at a time. I just need to show the world that there is a part of me that is worth seeing, worth admiring. I've let fear run the gamut my entire life and I think that it is time to have a lot of courage and place some faith in myself. Learning that I can fail at something means a lot more to me if I fail trying, than to not try at all. And if I wait for someone to go along in this journey with me...I don't think that I will ever find what is truly important to me. I am a man of many things. I know that putting myself first has always been a choice that I should have been making since I became an adult. I just wanted others to see me shine.

I am kind of awesome. And I am worth something more than I have ever given myself credit for. I may have been hiding the light in me for years...but I am ready to let it shine.