Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

I haven't been a good boy all of this year. I think that I really tried to be the best person that I could, but some days I failed. I indulged in things that I knew were not good for me. I stewed in anger, depression, spite, and a myriad of other dark emotions, because I felt that I wasn't getting the attention or treatment that I deserved. I missed birthdays. I blew off people to sit on my couch and watch TV. I did enough bad things to warrant a piece of coal in my stocking for years to come.

However...

Midway through the year, I found that I wasn't doing for myself the way that I should have been doing all of these years. I was watching people all around me, growing, evolving, becoming distant, and I wasn't doing what I needed to do to make myself grow and learn. I started to focus on the things that I felt were important. Being active, holding my interests as important as the interests of my friends and family. I decided that for once in my life I was important to myself. I started making changes. Small changes, but changes nevertheless. I began reaching out to friends. I started doing things that I liked to do on my own. And I stopped relying on pills and shots and outside influences to make my body feel better or relax. I also had to stop giving myself away to men who didn't care about me. It was a hard change, but I needed to do it for my own benefit.

Now we are close to Christmas and I thought that I would write you a letter. Maybe not a random list of things that I "want" for Christmas this year, but a list of things that I hope to achieve. I remember writing you a letter when I was younger. When I would go to sleep on Christmas Eve, I would be filled with so much anxiety and hope that you would bring me all of the cool things that I asked for. I wanted to be liked by all of the kids in my neighborhood. I wanted life to feel like it did in glossy magazines and fun filled family films. I was starved for attention and love, and all I could hope for was that Santa would make me a better person. Sadly I was let down year after year.

And I suppose it's silly to hold onto superstitions and blame someone that couldn't have changed my life any more than my divorced parents could. Which is why I am taking responsibility for my own life and patterns. It's easy to give others power over things rather than take responsibility for the things that have occurred in a lifetime of disappointment.

So I am taking that power back.

Dear Santa...this Christmas I am not asking for anything.

At least, not for myself.

I hope that you will bless my friends and family with a joyous new year. Please help them find the way to the path in life that they were meant to follow. Give them strength and resilience to overcome hardship and pain. Allow them ample time to grieve, forgive, love, and be human. Show them that they are worthy of a life that they deserve instead of accepting a life that someone else planned out for them.

If anything, give them all the things that they deserve, because each and everyone of them is special and important to me!

That's all I really want for Christmas this year. (Next year I may want something like a new house...we'll cross that bridge when we get there!)

Merry Christmas Santa!

Christopher