The Devil In Mr Jones

Any given day you will find me sitting by myself in quiet contemplation. I am always thinking about life and many of its complexities. Sometimes I am thinking about how I can better my own life by helping others. Sometimes I am wondering how long the sun will be alive and what makes up dark matter. I can be trying to figure out something clever to say so that I have an idea of something new to write. Most of the time I am wondering which pain in my body is going to give out on me first. I think about stupid mundane things. It's the nature of the beast. We are all self aware beings and we spend so much time in our own heads. I'd like to think that sleep is how we escape from all of that thought, but then we have dreams that tend to fuck with us. My head is never clear.

I've been thinking about my life in different ways a lot lately. I wonder about multi-universe versions of me. I wonder if they make the same choices that I have or if they are distorted hiccups and versions of my ID. As I get older I can't help but wonder about the "what if's" in my life and compare them to people all around me.

To start off, I am a liberal. It's such a dirty word that many people equate with weakness and immorality. Conservatives like to argue that liberals can't argue and that we want everyone to have everything without having to work for it. We're looked at as pariahs trying to push an agenda that includes spending money we don't have on programs that we don't need on people who don't want them. And I suppose that I look at conservatives and think the same thing. I wish that they weren't always trying to keep us in a motionless state. Many opinions and laws enacted by Conservatives tend to be oppressive and regressive when it comes to the needs of many. Community only ever seems to be community if the folks involved in the community are towing the line. All others be damned. Figuratively speaking of course.

Furthermore, I am a single, white, gay male. I live modestly in a small apartment in Central Phoenix. I have worked hard for the things that I have. Some might see my possessions (or stuff, thank you George Carlin) and think to themselves that I live quite selfishly. An outsiders perspective might lead some to believe that I don't share my life enough with society. Without knowing my struggles, a person could say that I am a hermit. But perceptions don't always give the entire truth.

I have wondered what it would be like if I had never been born gay. And yes, I believe that I was born this way. There has never been a doubt in my mind or a rise in my pants that would convince me otherwise of my attraction to men. When I start to wonder what it would be like if I had never been born this way, the floodgates open up to so many other pieces of my life that would have been affected. It would be weird to wake up one day, not knowing anything from my past life, and having viewpoints that are the complete polar opposite to what I have now.

I wonder if the straight version of me would have been an upstanding man with good Christian values and a biblical overview of how life should be. I wonder if he would have had children that he couldn't afford to take care of or if he would have married a women that he didn't treat right. I have mentioned that the male influence in my life was limited, but the influences that I had were not positive role models. I wonder if the straight Chris would have been a wife beater, an alcoholic, a philanderer, a liar, or a deserter. Would he have studied hard in school and gone on to be a successful person to escape the tropes of his poor upbringing. Would he have gone off and joined the military and become a valiant soldier or would he have become one of the many casualties that wars produce? Would the man that I could have been born as been more appealing to his friends and family if he met all of their expectations?

It's hard not to think about the things that I would have done or said if I was born straight. I was visiting my grandparents one afternoon and I remember over hearing my grandfather watching the 6 o' clock news. There was coverage of a gay pride parade and he was cussing and being belligerent, because that was how he behaved. My grandmother said out loud "they should take all of them out into the street and put a bullet in their heads" and all I could think of was how she would react if that person being killed was me. My grandparents had wanted to nickname me "Hank" after I was born. I am not sure what happened to the nickname, as it never stuck. I wonder what it would have been like if their Hank had grown up thinking the same things that they thought. Hank would be okay with murder in the name of religion and bigotry, because that is what his family believed. He definitely would have been a card carrying member of the NRA, because guns have always been a part of the family that I grew up in.

Lastly, I wonder if he would be moral. It bothers me that religion has implied that in order to live a righteous life, you must follow the word of God. Morality has always been based on a set of principles dictated by a book of scriptures and tall tales. Would he have taken the words of the bible very literally and applied them to a one world Christian view with no concept of other beliefs? It's hard for me to wrap my head around this idea, because I have never viewed morality as a religious concept. I have always thought of it as a human concept. Do good unto others and do not kill maim or hurt others for sport. The concept seems pretty clear to me. Religious doctrine doesn't always see it like that. In not so many words, living an unacceptable life, one that does not reflect the teachings of Christ, are always punishable by death. Life is precious, unless it is doesn't meet the standards of the Church. Would the straight version of me argue that his morality is based on the 10 Commandments. The bible says "thou sall not kill", so the straight version of me knows that he shouldn't kill. He would have no concept of the fact that even if it wasn't written down killing another human is just wrong. Would he argue that behavior is predetermined and that how he lives is nothing more than a god given right? Who's to say.

I am pretty sure that the straight (and "normal") version of me would have fallen into many of the same traps that are set for men who are born into poor and undeserving families. I am sure that I would have been arrested at some point. I might have been in a few drunken bar fights with other aggressive males in order to prove my dominance. I might have spent all the money I had on chasing sports dreams or Las Vegas hookers. My life would have been just the same as any other straight white male out there looking to use their privilege as a reason to keep oppressed people down, because that is how poor white trash conditions their men to behave. I would have felt like I was superior to the disenfranchised. My opinions on race relations would have followed the narrow-mindedness of my upbringing and I would have been unapologetic until the day that I died. My would view would have been drastically different from the person that I have become.

Things seem like they would have been easier if I was born a different way. If that person had existed, maybe the hopes and dreams of my Mother and Father would have been fulfilled. I wouldn't be referred to as someone that they don't worry much about. It's hard to imagine how my relationships would have been affected and how my willingness to love would have grown. I shrug my shoulders. I have no problems with the person that I am today. I mean...if I were given a pill...I would stay the same. But if I had no choice in the matter, how would I have evolved?

Thankfully these are just thoughts...