And what it all comes down to!

I do try my best to be on my best behavior. I do. I swear. Then I think about things and get frustrated. Or I overthink things and I get a knot in my stomach because I think of the inevitable. The frightening case of the unknown always gives me a tummy ache. But this is neither the time nor the time for such things like inevitability or mortality. I realize that I can be on my best behavior, without being an asshole. Regardless of how things have turned out in my life.

What it comes down to lately (or over the passed few years at least) is an overwhelming need for sex. I don't know how to see the blurred lines between sex/love/infatuation/come-up-its/mine/yours/like and all that other glorious stuff in between. I look at men differently as I get older. When I was a teenager I craved connection and love. When I was in my 20's I craved a husband and a life partner. As I aproach 40, I look back at most of my 30's and I am weary. I crave the sex and lust of men. I neglect my own self in favor of sexual release. It bends my opinions of what is or isn't acceptable behavior for me to follow.

I decided to release myself from the bonds of sexual repression a few years back. It came to mind that most men were out there getting their dicks sucked and their asses fucked (or sucking dick and fucking ass) and I wanted to get mine. Keep in mind that I am no stranger to getting myself some strange. I just found myself becoming a recluse rather than exploring my libido.

I met some men who were good to me, but condescening. I met some men that were not so good to me, but could fuck the hell out of me like I wanted. There were the unobtainable men and then there were the psychotic head cases that would not leave me alone. I think that I am willing to illuminate on most of them from this point on.