Buddy

Every now and again it occurs to me that I have no boyfriend. Which in some circumstances is okay because I don't have to toil with the everyday nonsense that comes with keeping up apperances. I don't have to use "we" or "us". I can casually plan out my days to my liking and do what I want instead of having to worry about how someone else might feel. I am secure with my independence. In smalls ways I crave it and horde it like a selfish man would. But it does occur to me every now and again that I do not have a boyfriend and a little tiny part of me is saddened by it. Holidays aren't always as much fun. Parties are usually a bore. Public outings seem rather tedious without having someone there to build memories with. IN the 90's I used to wonder what it would be like to have the perfect relationship. At the beginning of the new millenium I was blessed with what I believed was the perfect relationship. Today, after four years of being single (perfect relationship dissolving after only six years), I am unsure of what it is that I want or how it is that I am to behave when going after the things that I desire. Most of the time I feel stunted, like I've reached my pubescent point and old age is all that I have to look forward to. Then there are times like the past few months when I have lost myself in the arms of a few someones that don't belong to me.

My Buddies.

Casual, loveless and unmoving. My tricks give me back some of the things that I had feared I had grown out of or lost along the way. Even if they are fleeting, I still enjoy the moment of climax when I can see bliss pouring from a man's eyes. I enjoy hearing the gruff sounds and moans as I am fucking a guy and he grunts in my ear "fuck me harder"! My blood runs...my heart rate accelerates and I get cramps in the weirdest muscles, but I enjoy every moment of it. I enjoy it up until the point where bliss becomes an awkward moment fleeting while both I and the man I am with strategically search for our underthings, pull ourselves together and dsolve one another of the pleasures of the flesh. One scourge of carnal retaliation to full flourition and then we part ways. Numb to the entrance and the exit of our casual meeting with the hint of forbodance that future encounters may just happen. A meaningless kiss and it's on to the next item on the list.

I do't have many buddies simply for not wanting to be looked upon as being easy or sexually loose. I have a few friends and some peope I see on a regulr basis that I wouldn't mind having a roll in the hay with, but, for reasons I guess only I understand, I refuse to wade in those murky waters.