Ex's and Why's

I think that I am missing some part of my Y chromosome. I mean, I consider myself a pretty masculine guy...not that I am not in touch with my feminine side, but for the most part, I think I can hold my own with the boys. I mean, I am big and bulky. I like aggressive music. I get pumped up when I see men fighting...but that may be more to do with the sexual tension I seem to decipher between fighting participants (sweaty men fighting get me hot!) I think I dig things that most guys dig. But then I see men who actually dig guy things and I don’t see any of my characteristics in them. Alpha males are the kind of men that I really find myself attracted to, unfortunately...they don’t find themselves attracted to me. It’s probably more of a projection thing on my part in any case.
My point for this is simple, I think that if I watched more NASCAR, played more sports, participated in more outdoor events or maybe even rode a bull once or twice I would probably be more visible and other boys might let me join in their reindeer games. I feel like a wolf in sheeps clothing I guess. I can walk the walk and talk the talk and do my best to look and feel like and alpha male, but when it comes to finding true love and what I "romanticize" in my head I always end up with slugs. That’s not to say that most alpha males can’t be slugs...I have dated a small number of them that were horrible. I shouldn’t think about it so much, but I find myself in situations where I question certain points of masculinity and how I am supposed to behave in respectable society.
I have been told that I must have come out of the womb a screaming queen, because I am one of those truely rare homosexual men. I have never had the desire to be with a woman. I have never perpetrated the stereotype of a closeted homosexual getting by with members of the opposite sex in order to curb my true feelings. I have always liked men. I have always been attracted to them. And I know that I don’t have to step on a nail to know that it hurts me, so why would I sleep with (or degrade myself for the purpose of experimentation) a woman just to say I tried it. It doesn’t make any sense to me. I have a buddy who questions me all of the time..."Would you lick her boob? Would you rim her ass?" And it blows my mind because if I had wanted to ever be with a woman in a sexual nature I would have been straight. He is gay and so am I, but in his mind...in order for me to be a gay Alpha male...I would have to have some sort of willing desire to be with a woman. If I don’t have the desire then to him it means that I hate women or that I am afraid or fear them. This train of thought has always bugged me because men have used this arguement all of the time to justify their reasons for getting off. It’s stupid that most men think sexuality is so black and white, because there is alot of grey matter in between. However, like my truely straight counterparts (who know they don’t have to suck a dick to know they don’t like it) I am completely gay and that part of my sexuality is truely black and white. So what does this say about the rest of the Alpha dogs?
My ex-asshole was what I thought a pack dog would be. He didn’t get into the things that I have described in the paragraphs above and when we first started dating we had comprimised on having a sexual relationship that was 50/50. I believe in order for gay men to have loving relationships, they have to be willing to have done to them what they do to someone else. I spoke to a friend of mine recently and the question of whether I was a top or a bottom came into play and I replied "It really depends on who I am with." And that is the God’s honest truth! I think that whenever you let someone invade any part of your body for their sexual gratification, then the act should be paid forward somewhere down the line. My ex didn’t see it this way. He was greedy and I think that was a big part of what turned me off about him in the long run. He was much too busy getting himself off in me to care to share the same experience with me. He always said "It hurts" or "i’m not used to it like you are." Which was always a cop out. Here is my reasoning...1) Anal sex will always hurt. It doesn’t matter what any man or woman does, it will always hurt. 2) No one ever gets used to that type of pain...we grunt and bite our tongues just as much as anyone else would. I think simple reciprocation is healthy in gay sexual relationships, but I am also part of a small crowd. I don’t believe that taking a cock up my ass makes me more of a woman. I don’t believe that sticking my cock up a man’s ass makes me more of a man. I think the act that encompasses making love is what definess me as a man. And if I am fucking just to get off, then I am no better than the last piece of shit ex I had who made love making out to be more like a race to get to the finish line. I don’t understand some of you boys...it’s not a race...we will all win in the end.
I’m perplexed. Maybe I am a rare breed. I know I have talked to others like me in the past, but I know that I am a unique kind of gay man. The kind that enjoys all aspects of his masculinity even when Alpha males are busy looking the other way. A friend of mine was denied from a bear cite and I am pretty sure that it was because he didn’t look "bearish" enough. I belong to the cite and I told him to grow some facial hair and then resubmit. I also belong to a few other chat sites that keep my attention from time to time and my dick and I are starting to become reaquainted with the idea of mutual connections. I see an ass and I say "Now look at that? Wouldn’t you like to play around with that?" And he seems to be responding. Hank is taking baby steps and hopefully he will be up and running before the summer months. I find it crazy to limit myself to one type of experience with any man, as long as it is safe and fun, and I realize that by limiting myself to any one particular type of experience I miss out on other opportunities. I may not be apt to find the love of my life at this point in time, but I am starting to find my way out of the dark from the rubble of my last disasterous relationship. He didn’t kill me and this will probably be the last mention I ever make of him from this point on. When It comes to him and his evil ways... he will get the same sort of treatment down the line. And I have no more power to give to him.
As for the world of alusive alpha males, maybe I should start characterizing my own definition of what masculinity is. I know that physically, I could stand to do some upkeep. I know that my clothing style is no different than that of anyone else. I am not going to change the friends that I have in order to maintain a low profile on the straight radar scene. I am going to start seeking out other individuals that share my ideals. Men who are comfortable with their own natural [gay] sexuality. I have never been one to follow behind the pack, but i have been leary of becoming the alpha dog. It’s time to show a new breed of men what it is like to be men and how to express themselves naturally instead of how society dictates that they act. It’s going to be an uphill battle, but I amsure I can do it.
Any volunteers?
Peace!