A Hole In The Sky

It occurs to me that not everyone shares my sentiments on aging and death. I've asked myself many times what I would do "if" and have never really settle on anything extravagant. IF something were to happen, IF something was just inevitable, then I would suffer in silence. This thought or idea pisses people off for some reason. Loved ones and those close to me have often expressed their displeasure in my choices to keep my well being to myself. Is it fair, they say...we could try to help, they argue, and maybe all that is true, maybe some of it partially true or whatever. But I know these people. I know how my presence around them has been all my life. I'm old and I'm tired. My soul is tired and weary of this life of nothing particularly special. I think I learned early on in life how very un-special and inconsequential I am. I had a sperm donor who hated the idea of labels and trappings of fatherhood or parenthood. I have a mother who unintentionally turned me into an underage adult simply because she had the children to raise and no real man of the house. I've never really felt unconditional love. Men, and let's throw women in the bunch too, have never desired me or chased after me because I got their world view of beauty and attractability. Things in life that seem so mundane and mediocre cycle me through time loops of doing the same old thing. Regardless of how I try to change. So I'm private. I will go in peace. And yes, my vanity and control issues will take center stage, because I'll be damned if any one of these people will give me the love, the kind of unconditional, unending and unbiased love, that I desired and wished for all my years, I will be damned to let them poor that shit on me in my last hours. I've always wanted to be needed when I was alive, it would be useless to have it in the weeks or hours of my death. Sure it hurts, but it's my choice right?