Follow Your Heart, Your Intuition

I have a bleeding heart. Whatever the circumstance may be, I see sadness and suffering that most people try to avoid and hide. I don't think that it makes me an empath, but I am keenly aware of things that other people overlook. Maybe I merely pay too much attention to the hardships in life and I notice them more when I see it in the world around me, because I relate to how certain things affect certain people. I feel people's pain, even when it doesn't really affect me.

Case in point, the other day, after grabbing a few groceries from the store, I decided to pull through a Del Taco drive thru for nothing in particular. In my head, I knew that I didn't need what I wanted to order. I wanted to order it, because I could. I pulled through the line, placed my order to the box, then made my way to the window to pay for food that I clearly didn't need. As I was paying, I looked through the windsheild of my car and I noticed a man fumbling with the garbage can at the front of the building. At first I thought he was an employee, but as he staggered away with backpack in tow I knew that he was homeless. A feeling hit me in the gut. My gluttony hit me in the gut. All I could think about was how this man, regardless of the circumstances in his life, came to this point where looking for food in a garbage can was his main concern. The way he walked away...so defeated and broken...it was all too grounding for me.

Instantly I thought about how I would be percieved in a similar situation. His gait became my gait, with every limping footstep. The look of dismay on his face when we made eye contact, for just the briefest of moments, let me know that he was just looking for something to get him through to the next hunger pang. I saw myself looking at strangers, staring back at me with disgust and contempt, as I tried to let them know that all I needed was something. All I wanted was a handout. And not because guilt made them do it, no, human kindness and decency guided them to make the right choice. I knew that goodness and kindness are seldom products of the species I belong to. The human race can be cruel and unforgiving and torturous. All I could do was weigh the emotion of entitlement with the emotion of charity and decide which part of my character was strongest.

I knew what I was going to do before I finished paying for my food. I had what I needed at home, along with the few groceries in my car. The only obstacle in my way was the timing of getting the food I ordered, and being able to track down the man in order to give him the food. It felt like an hour, even though only minutes had passed. The man had disappeared from my vision and I was worried that I was going to be stuck with my indulgent decision and the guilt of having more than my fair share. When the food finally came, I quickly, but diligently made my way through the parking lot into the neighboring gas station, eyeballing the parking lot for the man wandering away. I spotted him at the bus stop, which is sometimes where they are all located, because trash cans at bus stops often have discarded food and drinks in them as they are not allowed on buses. I pulled up to him, motioned for him to approach my car, then handed him the food. 

I can't say that my guilt went away. I did the right thing, because it was the right thing to do. I didn't do it thinking that I needed rewarded for it like some social media influencer. My guilt ate at me for a few hours, because my heart was broken for that man. The look in his eyes, like a wounded dog, ate at the core of my being. I don't know where it takes me sometimes, the feelings that I get when this occurs. I find myself thinking how I am just a stones throw away from being in his shoes. Searching for a meal. Trying to live when living is not worth the lifetime it is made out to be. It scares me that his grief and sadness hit me like a suckerpunch to the gut. And I wonder how it motivates me to help others in the future.