It's A Matter of Relativity

 I don't always feel seen. I can go through an entire day without feeling like I have made an impact on anyone. I tend to feel like I am one of the background people that others see in their normal day. If someone talks to me, I feel like it is to pass along information rather than to converse with me and share pleasantries. Otherwise, most of the time I feel invisible. My brain is in a fog lately. I don't know if it is the anxiety in my head that is pushing all things out of my brain, but it is causing me to go through my days like I am not in charge of my own faculties. My consiousness is here, but my attention is not. It's a difficult tightrope to walk from day to day, feeling invisible and non-attentive. The world around me ignores the cloudiness and vagueness of my being. It's not like I am reaching out for help. Feelers and bait aside, I have rarely been able to express how I am doing without it seeming like I am reaching for something more than a strong shoulder. 

I think my attention is in the little boxes and screens that drain my imagination and empathy. I see screens all day long. I read words and see images and listen to stories and indulge in porn and so many other things that I used to do by hand. And the noise that comes and goes from daily interactions make my head spin and crave a quiet spot to hide away. If it isn't the noise from external sources, it is the ringing in my head, followed with the wheezing in my breath or the echo in my ears from when I breathe...there is no excape from a constant noise that wants to make me crazy. I deal with it and I worry that it is some kind of pollution that I am saddled with because I am not active or I am getting older. 

With all of the things that are happening in the world, I am scared of my own mortality. I am afraid of not waking up anymore. I am afraid of someone having to find me after days of not being able to communicate with me. Invisibility sometimes brings nuance that appears when folks suddenly realize that you are not there for them to walk by, casually say hello or smile as they pass you by, or treat you indifferently. It only matters when you are a distration for them to tear apart or deconstruct. We live in a weird little matrix that places background people in the way of others who see their lives as a work in progress. And I feel stereotyped into a chasm of thoughts that tell me on a daily basis that I am not good enough. I only matter to the world I inhabit. I don't matter to the people who don't see me, because they never see me....they just know that I am somewhere. Even when I am not there. Even when I am right here. 

It's not hard to be invisible. I just never thought that it would be a replacement that determined how I got along in this world. I add nothing to the growth of friends, family, and loved ones. I bring nothing to the table. I exist as a place-holder for the next "soul" or out of spite for a supposed afterlife that I believe is nonexistent. My dreams send me to places that I have never been. My brain takes me to dark places that I would rather not see. And time is relative and unflinching, despite my ability to accept the things that I cannot change. I need more change.