Black

It never surprises me when that old feeling in my soul rises up and squashes all other feelings. It lays dormant for a while as I go through my day to day routine, feeling numb or bitter or sometimes regressive, and it refuels on thoughts of past desires and dreams wasted with lack of drive. I fear. I fear that I may take too long or wait too long for what is right for me or what is good for me by waiting for what I want. Working for what I want. Dreaming and hoping for that ever elusive sense of satisfaction and security. I fear. I fear the happiness that could come by opening myself up to another person. I fear the gentle calm that could envelope me from within by taking a chance on something simple and pure as human interaction. I fear. I fear the hopelessness that was planted within me from years and years of continuous disappointment. The realization of my life never materializes the way I want it too and when it does, I am sitting in front of a mirror...looking at my own reflection. The reflection of a scared older man. A 34 year old man that sees 40 coming way too soon and oblivion inevitable. And if the fear wasn't enough to keep me down, my dreams coddle the selfish subconscious and seep poison into my veins as I sleep. I cant feel anything. Nothing but fear and cold. I fear that facing my fears is taking too much out of me. I fear that being alone is a prison of its own doing....